Death’s Soliloquy: Scripted Saturdays

Welcome back to another serving of Scripted Saturdays! I’m Timothy Scott Purvis and I do enjoy bringing you these old works of mine. This one in particular is yet another script I’d intended to animate but never got around to. I have a lot of those, unfortunately. Death’s Soliloquy was original a short story I wrote some years ago (Original Death’s Soliloquy short story is at this link: Death’s Soliloquy) as is evident by some of the dated references now apparent in the writing itself. Mid 2000’s in case you were still curious. And it served as my commentary on the world we were living in at the time. Honestly, it could still be prescient currently with just a few references turned around and rewritten. It wouldn’t take much.

Anyhow, maybe someday I’ll start turning these scripts into stop motion animations or something. Only time will tell. In the interim, please enjoy this week’s offering and read to you guys again soon.

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“DEATH’S SOLILOQUY”

INT. THRONE ROOM

[DEATH approaches LUCIFER, who is seated on his throne in the throne room.  Cowering minions are on each side of the walkway Death traverses.]

                                      NARRATION

                                  The following is a transcript of the Grim Reaper’s report to Lucifer detailing how it is his boat capsized on the river Styx on account of violating the maximum capacity limit and why it was that the gates to Hell had a longer line to them than the one for the wake of Pope John Paul the Second.  None of the persons, places, or things depicted have been changed to protect them as they are already dead and/or lacking material consistency…

Death arrives at the throne before an impatient Lucifer and clears his throat, such as it is, to relate what has transpired.

                                      DEATH             

                                  Those are both really good questions you ask to which you deserve the most detailed account providable.  And, I would just like to say, that the answer to both of them is a really amusing anecdote.  Besides, it’s not really my fault. I can’t help it if Jehova maintains such a ridiculous amount of faith in humanity.  It all started last week…

INT. PURGATORY-WAITING HALL

[A dissolve to purgatory transpires.  We see Death entering a room and approaching some lively Angels.

There was this debacle in purgatory involving some poor soul who was trapped and couldn’t proceed in either direction due to the fact that no one could figure out if he’d been good or bad.  And I was like,

Death lowers his voice to imitate himself in purgatorial past.]

                                      GRIM IMITATION

                                  Look, I was told to come and get this guy, now where am I taking him?

[Grim continues his impersonation of individuals and in fact from this point on will only be alluded to by “Imitation.”]

And they were like,

                                      ANGEL IMITATION

                                  Gee, we’re really sorry to pull you up from Hades, what with you being soooooo busy and all, but we really thought he was heading your way. However, it turns out nobody knew he was coming let alone has any idea who he is.

I can’t believe the ineptude of those people!

[Past self stares at individuals from beneath his dark cloak.]

Anyhow, I ended up having to wait for them to get ahold of Jehova and bring him down to straighten matters out.

[Jehova enters gloriously.]

He takes one look at the guy and is completely baffled.

[God looks completely baffled as he stands staring at the strange little man.  View shifts to Death’s visage.]

INT. THRONE ROOM

HE doesn’t know who the guy is either!  I mean, can you imagine my surprise when the Supreme Creator doesn’t even know who the hell the dude is!? If it were me, sure, I could understand how I would overlook a person or two in all the infinite universe. But, the Creator?

[We shift back to Purgatory.]

INT. PURGATORY-WAITING ROOM

Despite this incongruency, Jehova makes a snap decision and says,

                                      GOD IMITATION

                                  Well, humanity is inherently good at heart and I can’t imagine this one man having done anything to warrant eternal damnation.  So, I’ll forgive him of his sins and bring him with me to Heaven.

INT. THRONE ROOM

[Death’s face stares out from under his hood.]

Now, on the surface, everything sounds all good and wonderful, but you know me and my mouth when it comes to humanity.  I mean, here He is suggesting all humanity is just a gathering of righteous, kind hearted angels. But, I know better than that!  After all, I’m the one who has to get the bastards when they croak!  I’m the one that takes ‘em to Purgatory, where they’re supposed to tell me where to take ‘em…and most times, they’re comin’ here!

INT. PURGATORY-WAITING ROOM

So I says to Jehova, in front of everyone and their brothers,

                                       GRIM IMITATION

                                  Excuse me, but I beg to differ. And Jehova looks all puzzled and stares at me in that condescending way of His and says,

                                      GOD IMITATION

                                  Of what do you differ? I have cleared this man of whatever crimes he has committed.  Are you so lacking in souls?

And I’m like,

                                      GRIM IMITATION

                                  Not at all.  By all means, take the whelp. Where I differ is on humanity’s being inherently good.  I say they’re inherently evil, straining to be good, so’s they can get to Heaven.

     GOD IMITATION      

                                  That simply is not true.

He retorts back, thinking he knows more than me on that issue.  And I just smile back, well, try to anyhow, considering I have no lips, and decide to challenge him to a friendly wager.

                                      GRIM IMITATION

                                  All right… I says, Let’s say you’re right, and they’re inherently good.  Then you wouldn’t be opposed to a little bet, would you?

                                      GOD IMITATION

                                  It is not wise to tempt the Lord.

INT. THRONE ROOM

[A close up of Grim Reaper occurs with him waving a bony hand.]

He counters, like I’ve got anything to lose. Hell, I’m already ferrying the damned.  What more’s he gonna do to torture me than continue allowing me final reckoning with every asshole in the known universe?

INT. PURGATORY-WAITING ROOM

                                      GRIM IMITATION

                                  Well, if you’re afraid to be wrong…

I said and shrugged.

                                      GOD IMITATION

                                  What’s your flavor, ferryman?

INT. THRONE ROOM

[Grim waves his arm around again in irritation.]

Ferryman, can you believe that!?  Like, somehow, that’s a cut that’s going to hurt me!

INT. PURGATORY-WAITING ROOM

He crosses his arms and stares down at me, curious as to what I had in mind.

                                      GRIM IMITATION

                                  Alright, here’s the deal, I’ll chose three people to usher in the apocalypse.  And you get to chose any number of those you’d like, even the three I chose, and try to convince ‘em not to let it happen.

                                      GOD IMITATION

                                  What’s the catch?

‘What’s the catch’ he asks,

                                      GRIM IMITATION

                                  None.  But I guarantee my three will overrule your collected world.  And when the apocalypse occurs and they’re all pouring into purgatory, we’ll see which direction they’re headed. I taunted , not really thinking about what I’d just challenged him.

                                      GOD IMITATION

                                  Ok, you’re on.  But you’ll see that the power of good will far outweigh the malicious forces of evil.

                                      GRIM IMITATION

                                  Uh-huh, sure.

MONTAGE OF ACTIONS

I replied to his nonsensical beliefs.  So, he gets the whole world and I can only chose three people.  Sounds pretty one-sided, eh? Well, I end up choosing the President of the United States, the fiercest leader of a terrorist network in the Middle East, and Kim Jong Il.  It really wasn’t difficult to piss off those three lunatics.  Just have the terrorists bomb an American interest and have the President declare war.  And then get Kim Jong Il to kick out the U.N. and become the world’s leading dealer of nuclear armaments on the black market.  Jehova gets the whole world to lash out verbally against the U.S. for declaring war on any country brash enough to piss on their parade.  Even their own citizens were in on the act. 

DREAM SEQUENCE PRESIDENT

The Creator talks to the President in a dream…and he gets to my other guys as well, you know.  The President says he wants to work on diplomacy and bring to Justice those terrorists responsible for the bombings.  Ok, a slightly notable change in his attitude.

DREAM SEQUENCE TERRORIST

The terrorist leader just doesn’t want a change to occur in the way his people live and doesn’t want any woman telling him what to do.  Ha!  That’ll last long!  An interesting development to say the least.

DREAM SEQUENCE KIM JONG IL

Kim Jong Il is too busy writing hymns about himself to hear what Jehova has to say.  I knew he was a team player.

DREAM SEQUENCE-TOGETHER

All three of them have their fingers on the nukes in their respective arsenals.  Jehova comes down and says, in another dream to all three; whereas I’m also invited to stand beside them and listen to him gloat,

                                      GOD IMITATION

                                  See there the face of Death, who awaits your arrival should you not seek peace in the world. The three of them look at me.  The President is crying, knowing he really doesn’t want to see the world destroyed.  The terrorist has some compassion in his eyes, but is terrified of the future and still willing to see his goals through til the end.  Kim Jong Il … well, he just stands there pickin’ his nose and scratchin’ his ass, but Jehova and I were sure he heard something.  So, I venture a chance and look at the three individuals I had chosen in my mad gamble with the Supreme Creator and say,

                                      GRIM IMITATION

                                  I say Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke… And they all look at me in understanding, knowing that any who stand in their way can go to Hell. 

MONTAGE OF THE AWAKENING AND DEVESTATION WROUGHT

Each one of them wake up and one by one set Off their nukes. Grim stands before the explosions feeling the heat sear past his bones. The whole world is engulfed in a searing explosion which leads to the vaporization of every living human on the face of the world and results in their entering purgatory at roughly the same time.  Since they’d all died at the same time, no one, save a few mind you, had any time to atone and repent for their sins…which meant they all came our way.  It was then I realized I hadn’t really thought my plan through as it meant that much more work for me.  And I saw the billions standing there in exasperation and I was like,

INT. PURGATORY-WAITING ROOM

                                      GRIM IMITATION

                                  Hey!  Don’t grumble at me!  If you’d done a little more than bowing down and cowtowing Like sheep, those three morons would have been jailed or put into a pit to fight or something to that effect.  So, I don’t want to hear it!

INT. THRONE ROOM

Which is what led to my boat sinking, since I was only trying to speed up the delivery process.  And that’s the story.  I’m guessing this is why you only challenged Jehova over Jobe, eh?

Lucifer shakes his head with his hand to his face in disbelief.  He looks at Grim in an unsatisfactory demeanor.

What?  Why are you looking at me like I’m some sort of moron?

                                      NARRATION

                                  The Grim Reaper was severely reprimanded for obstinance and extreme stupidity on the job. He was sentenced to cleaning all the toilets in Hell for one thousand years as well as ferrying the damned to the underworld.  Which meant all the more work for him.  Jehova rebuilt Earth and Lucifer sent everyone back in a neat little package marked ‘Return To Sender.’  All memory of this incident was wiped from the collective conscience of humanity and neither Lucifer nor Jehova ever spoke of it again.

INT. RESTROOM-HELL

                                      DEATH

                                 Oh, Goddamnit!  Even in Hell these people are filthy animals!  Cretins! 

Fade out.

~Fin

See you all again soon!

~Timothy S Purvis

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SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION STARTS!

I would appreciate if you have Kindle or even if you want some paperback goodies if you’d head on over to my page and maybe show me some love there. I mean, if you’ve been reading a while and see something you like, wouldn’t you like to have it in your personal library? I have some cool short stories available for cheap. Also Tales From A Strange Mind that collects my short stories (there’s also a Kindle edition but, for some reason, Amazon wouldn’t let me link them together) , Tales From A Strange Mind II which collects my old novellas, Red Star Sheriff (Which also has a Kindle edition but Amazon, am I right?) my first novel ever released, though, yes, it does have some grammatical errors and drags on for way too long, sigh. But I still love it and I will be writing a follow up sometime within the next few years. I have a collection of my poems called MisAligned: The Heart Waxes Poetic which collects my old poems but not some of my newer ones included those flash fictions! I’ll probably do that in the future as well. And if you love the perfectly inane, why not check out my Star Cloud scripts presented in book form? Star Cloud The Original Scripts. Another one where Amazon was being difficult with me in connecting the Kindle and PB versions. Still, the paperback they let me sale for cheap and it’s well worth a look if I say so myself. Or, if you don’t want to click on individual links (all of which will take you to my author’s page anyway), just click on my author’s page directly by tapping my name: Timothy S Purvis See for yourself what all I’ve published since I began this venture in 2016.

I mean, if you like my work, of course. No pressure. Just trying to find my way in this world without working menial tasks and suffering physical and mental issues as a result. If only I could merely stay home and write. That would be my most epic fantasy brought to life. Well, if you don’t want to do that, you could also donate to my cause down below after all is said and done. It would help. You know, if you liked what you saw and all. Up to you. I don’t have a lot of reviews on my materials because of low sales. I mean, very, very low sales. In the single digits. Right now, I have to rely on Pubby for reviews and those people only read your synopsis and recap it for a five star review. I want honest opinions. Not mean ones, but honest. So, if you ever find yourself buying some of my work, I’d certainly appreciate some feedback. Again, up to you.

End Shameless Self Promotion!

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