Greetings, salutations, welcome, thanks for coming, how are you all doing? And all of that! I’m Timothy Scott Purvis and this is part two of my final Star Cloud episode of the first run! Bunch you’ve been waiting all week for this one? Well, the wait is finally over! As I mentioned last week, I’m partial to the making of this episode. It was really fun to write and develop. I really should just say fuck it and get back into making animations. But so much has been going on it’s been difficult to say the least.
Anyhow, thanks for reading these little offerings and hope you’re enjoying the madness! Read to you again soon, folks! And remember you can watch the full episode at the end!
“THE WRATH OF ROTH”
INT STRANGE STUCTURE-BATTLE ROOM
[Cloud and team prepare to fight Cloud of Nine and his Shinra minions.]
CLOUD: That bastard escaped!
TIFA: He can’t have gotten far!
CLOUD OF NINE [C9]: My master is halfway to Toledo by now!
C9: You know the asshole of the known universe?!
CLOUD: Drawin’ a blank.
TIFA: Is it near the Gold Saucer?
CLOUD: Ah! He must be talkin’ about Gongaga! What a crappy village.
C9: Arrrrrrghhh!! Get them, my minions!
TOMMY: We don’t have time for this nonsense!
TIFA: He’s right! Sephiroth is getting away!
[The Shinra troops all rush towards them.]
MIKE: Uh-oh! Incoming nut lickers!
CLOUD: Cloud of Nine’s mine! I’ve still got to pay him back for rubbing his nuts in my face!
AERIS / TIFA: !! What the hell!?
KAIRI: Uh guys I don’t know if this is a good time to bring it up, but I can’t fight!
[Two troops rush Kairi.]
APRIL: Hit ‘em with your purse!
[Kairi swings blindly and takes them out. Four troops rush Aeris and jump on her forcing her to the ground. Two others come and help them kick where Aeris went down. She squirms out and finds them still kicking.]
AERIS: You bastards! Attacking a helpless woman! You should be ashamed!
[She starts beating them up with her staff. After they’ve fallen Squall approaches her.]
SQUALL: I was just about to help you out when you pulled that staff out of nowhere. That was awesome! My only question… where do you keep that staff?
AERIS: …Trade secret.
[Rinoa is being attacked in the background and is trying to drive them off but failing.]
RINOA: Uh Squall?! I need some help here!
SQUALL: [Waves her off.] So, uh, Aeris, you seeing anyone right now?
[Rinoa looks stunned as she’s knocked to the ground.]
AERIS: Not really.
SQUALL: Youuu… wanna go out?
RINOA: [Standing up in bg.] WHAT!?
[Rinoa beats up the Shinra real quick and picks up a squirming guy to toss at Squall who gets knocked out.]
AERIS: [Looking down at the freshly injured Squall.] Ok so I’ll talk to you later. [Walks off.]
RINOA: [BG still] Oh no you won’t, bitch! You hear me!? No you won’t!
[Shinra rushes Rinoa and gets knocked out.]
MIKE: Wow, kicking these dude’s asses kinda reminds me of the foot.
RAPH: And just as bone-crunchingly satisfying. [Smashes two skulls together as they fall in a heap.]
MIKE: Preach it, brother, preach it!
DONNIE: Oh, you want some of this!? Oh, you too? Come on! Come and get it cannon fodder!
[Much action interwoven together as the crew fight off the Shinra attackers. The scene shifts quickly among them all before settling on Cloud and C9.]
CLOUD: At last we meet again! It’s time for revenge you evil clone of me!
C9: I’m not your clone, idiot! I’m a better version of you from a parallel dimension. I sold my soul to the harbinger of death for just one taste of McRays potato chips!
CLOUD: Betcha couldn’t eat just one.
C9: No, I couldn’t! And that’s why I’m here now! I’m going to make you pay for my stupidity!
CLOUD: The only payback going to happen is mine! As now I’m going to beat you and rub my balls in YOUR face! Hope you’re hungry, cause I brought a sack lunch!
C9: In your dreams cream puddy!
GAMBIT-SULU: I haven’t seen this much testosterone in one room since that time you invited the Backstreet Boys over for a backyard grill where they proceeded to anal rape N’Sync.
ROGUE: Ah yes, those were the days.
[Yuffie is wandering around stealing things about the room while battle is ensuing. Two Shinra fall near her and four objects come rolling by.]
YUFFIE: Yes! Materia!
KAIRI: Yuffie, I don’t know if that’s materia.
YUFFIE: Well of course it is! What else would it be!?
[Yuffie stands holding two squishy sacks of something. Kairi just stares at her.
Cloud and C9 are beating the tar out of one another when suddenly Cloud punches C9 in his face knocking his head off.]
CLOUD: Yes! Victory!
[Everyone in the room stops with a gasp and looks at Cloud.]
RAPH: By all that is holy, Cloud! You’ve knocked his head off!
CLOUD: So? We can just reattach it.
TIFA: Cloud, you don’t just reattach someone’s head.
CLOUD: Why not? We did it with you.
RAPH: He has a point.
[All around the room lies the inert bodies of Shinra troops. Just then several lights illuminate the room and standing among everyone is Er2Ni2 and his allies as well as Leo, Irma, and Barret.]
CLOUD: ZO my god! Leo? You joined Er2Ni2? We have no hope!
LEO: No, Captain. Er2Ni2 actually saved us.
CLOUD: Oh yeah!? Where’s Bert!?
LEO: Kidnapped by the robotic chicken from Dimension X.
MIKE: Damn that robot chicken!
CLOUD: Don’t worry, Mike, we’ll get that maniacal bird yet!
AERIS: [Startled] Barret!? What are YOU doing here!?
BARRET: Mmm so you’re here too! Finally! Now my plan can come to fruition!
CLOUD: I have no idea what they’re going on about.
TIFA: Neither do I, but we have to find Sephiroth!
CLOUD: He’s already escaped. Why bother?
ER2NI2: No, he hasn’t. He’s at the core activating its beacon.
CLOUD: What beacon?
ER2NI2: The beacon that will summon the ultimate power, Holy.
CLOUD: Welp, we’re boned.
TIFA: Why does Sephiroth want Holy?
ER2NI2: I do not know.
TIFA: Well it doesn’t matter anyway. The only one with Holy is Aeris.
BARRET: As you can see, I’ve found the seed that I’ve been looking for. The power you’ve been denying me!
AERIS: OMG! Again, with this nonsense!? I haven’t the slightest idea what the hell you are talking about!
BARRET: Holy. I have it here in my hand.
AERIS: Uh… Barret… Holy is a materia.
BARRET: No! I retrieved this from a giant orchid that that rat showed me! And the orchid showed me the way to true power but I need you to make it bloom! Here! Take it!
[Barret hands the Holy seed to Aeris and bends over a pile of bodies.]
BARRET: Now shove it up me! I want Holy!
AERIS: Holy Shit! Surely you can’t be serious!
BARRET: I am serious! That giant orchid was growing in a giant asshole! That is the secret! …And don’t call me Shirley. Do it now! [Points his gun at Aeris.]
AERIS: Agh!! Ok!
[Aeris shoves the seed up Barret’s ass causing everyone to gasp in terror and shock. Barret rises into the air and glows as he transforms into a caped crusader.]
BARRET: At last it is done! You come along and act like you saved the world with your sweet-smelling goodness of lifestream when it was I who went to all the cities planting gardens and growing green beautification worldwide!
AERIS: What the fuck!? Really?! Alright look fine, you’re the garden master alright!?
BARRET: NO!! I am Orchid Man! Bringing sweet flowery goodness to shitholes everywhere!
BLACK AXL: What the FUCK did I just see!?
ER2NI2: I… I am at a loss for words.
MATT THE MAT: You know, my shithole could use some sweet flowery goodness.
CLOUD: …Anyway, how do we get to the core?
ER2NI2: The fastest way is through-
SEPHIROTH: The floor!
[Maniacal laughter fills the room as the floor opens up and Shinra bodies pour into the opening. Sephiroth materializes behind Aeris and grabs her tightly, his hands on her breasts, and gravitates towards the fresh opening in the floor.]
CLOUD: He’s got Aeris!
ER2NI2: What is the meaning of this?
[They all make way for the sliding floor. Sephiroth hovers up into the air.]
SEPHIROTH: It’s very simple really. I’m going to extract Holy from Aeris and destroy the planet!
BARRET: Not if Orchid Man has anything to say about it!
SEPHIROTH: He doesn’t. Now be good children and stay out of my way!
[He glides back down. Floating stairs descend into the abyss.]
TIFA: Wow he likes his floating stairs descending into brightly lit abysses! Come on! We have to help her!
YUFFIE: This is so scary! I almost can’t finish collecting these material bits.
CLOUD: [Whips out his sword.] I’m going down there!
BLACK AXL: He’s going down there! I wouldn’t.
CLOUD: Everyone wait here! I’ll be back!
MIKE: No dude! You can’t say that! It’s always a bad sign!
CLOUD: Ah there’s nothing wrong with say-iiiiiiinnnnggg!!!
[Cloud falls down into the chasm below as the stairs disappear and the floor closes.]
IRMA: Oh no! Cloud’s trapped down below!
TIFA: Don’t worry. He’ll be all right. Er2Ni2 which way did you say we can go to get to the core?
ER2NI2: There’s a shaft several hundred meters to the west.
BARRET: Mmmm! Let’s freshen that shaft up!
MATT: Let’s not and pretend it freshened itself.
INT STRANGE STRUCTURE-CORE
[Cloud falls and falls until he lands flat on his face in the middle of a ton of pillows.]
SEPHIROTH: [Laughs maniacally.] Hope you’re enjoying my bed you party crasher!
CLOUD: Why… don’t you… gahhh… shut up pig face! When I… ooof… get out of here… ugh… I’m gonna… beat… you down!
SEPHIROTH: Bah! Enough pillow talk! Now to extract Holy!
AERIS: Cloud! Help!
[Cloud looks up from the pillows and sees Aeris strapped to a strange device with a claw angling towards her crotch.]
CLOUD: What the hell are you doing to her!?
SEPHIROTH: Extracting Holy!
CLOUD: You ever heard of just asking her for a date!? Maybe she’ll give you Holy if you’re good!? Real good!!
AERIS: Yeah! I’m giving Squall some Holy later tonight!
CLOUD: What?! But you just met him!
AERIS: Hey! You have a girlfriend! If you ask her nice maybe she’ll give you some Holy too!
CLOUD: Ahh there ain’t nothing Holy about that!
[The device goes up her dress as Cloud gets out of the pillows.]
CLOUD: Sephiroth! Noooo!!!
AERIS: Aiiiieeee!! Ooooohhh… Mmmm… that’s nice!
CLOUD: You’re not supposed to be enjoying it!
[The device pulls out.]
SEPHIROTH: [Laughs maniacally.] Holy is… where’s Holy?
SEPHIROTH: There is no Holy here!
AERIS: Maybe you’re doing it wrong. Put it back and try again.
SEPHIROTH: I was doing it just fine!
AERIS: And yet, no Holy.
SEPHIROTH: [Growls. Waves hands towards her.] You’ve been spreading your Holy around!
AERIS: Hey! My Holy was right where it was supposed to be until you stabbed me in my back!
SEPHIROTH: But you got it back! My thingamajiger even said so!
AERIS: Yeah. That’s true. Cloud got me all wet and Holy must have reabsorbed.
CLOUD: I thought you were dead!
SEPHIROTH: Ohhh… Cloud how could you?
CLOUD: No! I put her in the lake!
AERIS: Which was such a great thank you by the way. I get you all the way to Cetra Central and you dump me in the lake!
CLOUD: I thought you were dead!
AERIS: So, you drown your dead!?
CLOUD: Would you have preferred to be buried!?
AERIS: Why yes actually complete with a big funeral and flowers-
SEPHIROTH: Do you two need a room?
AERIS / CLOUD: He has a girlfriend. / I have a girlfriend!
SEPHIROTH: As fascinating as this is, it still doesn’t answer what happened to Aeris’s Holy!
AERIS: Oh, dear God!
CLOUD / SEPHIROTH: What!?
AERIS: I, I think I accidentally planted it up Barret’s asshole!
CLOUD: What the fuck!?
SEPHIROTH: You get around, don’t you?
CLOUD: Alright that’s it!
[Cloud rushes up to Sephiroth and draws his sword. Sephiroth does the same.]
SEPHIROTH: So, you think you can defeat me? Once more I must prove to you that I am the mightier SOLDIER!
CLOUD: What the hell are you talking about!? Every time we face off, I like beat you! What it’s been like four times already hasn’t it?
SEPHIROTH: You will never defeat me! Those other times I let you win! It was a …workout.
CLOUD: Uh huh. Tell me another one. …Jesus, Seph, think your sword is big enough? What are you over compensating or something?
SEPHIROTH: Me? What about you? Look at how wide that thing is! How can you even handle it? You must have serious issues with your manhood.
CLOUD: What do you mean? This is a life size recreation of my godliness.
SEPHIROTH: Blah blah blah. I’ll tell you what it’s a recreation of… your tongue! Always flappin in the wind making wet splashy sounds in your momma!
[A fight breaks out between Cloud and Sephiroth while Aeris squirms trying to get loose.]
AERIS: Help! Male testiculate amelioration is getting significantly out of hand!
TIFA: Aeris! Are you all right!?
[Aeris looks to see Tifa and a whole horde of allies standing to one side of this room looking at her strapped to the table.]
AERIS: Oh thank the lifestream! Get me outta this contraption! Pretty please!
TIFA: Hold on, Aeris!
[Tifa, Er2Ni2, Matt, Raph, Mike, Leo, Irma, Black Axl, Ashe, and just about everyone else in this damn series stand at the opposite end of the room watching Cloud and Sephiroth battle while Aeris lies horizontal with a device pointed at her crotch.]
MIKE: Wooooaaa! I didn’t know Cloud could fight!
LEO: He does seem extraordinarily good at it.
RAPH: Well that’s one thing at least. He certainly sucks as a captain.
ASHE: At least he’s cute. Sigh. I miss the muppet.
ER2NI2: As do I.
RAPH: [Looks to Ashe] Who the hell are you anyway?
ASHE: I’m whoever you want me to be hot stuff.
RAPH: …Great answer.
TIFA: We have to get Aeris down! Raph, Mike, Rinoa! Give me a hand! The rest of you all just watch out for any trouble.
LEO: Define trouble.
TIFA: As in Sephiroth does not leave this room.
ER2NI2: Shouldn’t someone help out Cloud?
[Tifa, Mike, Raph, and Rinoa rush up to where Aeris is.]
RINOA: I don’t know. Maybe we should leave her here.
TIFA: We’re not leaving Aeris! Raph help me figure this out!
RAPH: Damn it, Tifa! I’m a doctor not a sex-device specialist!
MIKE: What about your-
RAPH: Shut it!
AERIS: Will you guys do something!?
RINOA: Why should I, man stealer?!
AERIS: Hey! You can’t steal what doesn’t want to be stolen!
RINOA: Bitch I’ll kill you!
RAPH: What’s this button do?
[The device drills into Aeris causing her to squeal in joy.]
RINOA: Turn it off you idiot! She’s enjoying it too much!
RAPH: I don’t know how to turn it off!
MIKE: Try talkin’ dirty to it! You suck at that!
AERIS: Ohhhh! Take your time! Hee hee! Hahaha! Oooh oooh!
RINOA: Doctor please! Can’t you see she’s suffering!
RAPH: From what? An orgasm!?
MIKE: If I’m going to go, that’s how I’d like to go out.
TIFA: We need to get her out of this thing guys!
RAPH: Yeah, yeah, yeah! You sound like as broken record!
TIFA: I’m about to break my foot off in your ass if you don’t get a move on!
RINOA: I second that motion!
MIKE: I don’t know. I’m kinda enjoying this.
AERIS: I second that!
[Raph manages to get it shut off and retracted. Aeris sits up and gets off the device looking somewhat sore.]
AERIS: Well that as an experience.
SEPHIROTH: I never told you how you came to be!
[Their swords clash in an epic battle.]
SEPHIROTH: Weren’t you curious about your new form?
CLOUD: I fell down on the bridge of my ship! That’s all I need to know!
SEPHIROTH: No Cloud! There’s more you need to know! I AM responsible for your change! All of our changes!
CLOUD: You!? Well uh thanks?
SEPHIROTH: Ha ha ha! It’s all part of my master plan to retrieve Holy!
CLOUD: Yeah but Holy’s up Barret’s ass now. What does your plan say about that?
[They stop and look over at Barret who’s still dressed like Orchid Man.]
SEPHIROTH: …I’m still working on that one. Will you-
CLOUD: Oh, hell no!
SEPHIROTH: [dramatically] Then you are useless to me!
CLOUD: Get in line and join the club!
[They fight into the next room.]
INT STRANGE STRUCTURE-TV ROOM
[As Sephiroth and Cloud fight they cross the area of a massive TV displaying the game Final Fantasy VII. They stop as they see it.]
CLOUD: Oh my god! I’m polygonal!
SEPHIROTH: And in drag! Ha ha ha!
CLOUD: That’s not even funny you sick son of a bitch!
SEPHIROTH: Ha ha ha!
INT STRANGE STRUCTURE-CORE
[Tifa, Mike, Raph and Rinoa take Aeris to the others.]
SQUALL: Aeris! Thank goodness! I’ll help you back to the surface.
RINOA: Hmph! I’m sure you will! It’s over Squall! You hear me! Over!
[He and Aeris walk off. While Rinoa cries.]
RINOA: It isn’t fair!
[Ashe walks up to her.]
ASHE: It’s ok, darling. Shhh shhh. There, there. Men are bastards and undeserving of your tears.
RINOA: [Sobs] But I’ve looked for him for so long and this is how he treats me!?
ASHE: Let’s go back to my place and you can tell me all about it.
TIFA: I’m going after Cloud! Who’s with me?
LEO: I think it’s time for a little turtle power!
MIKE: Right on dude!
DONNIE: Fine let’s get this over with.
RAPH: I have a feeling Cloud’s gonna need a doctor.
MATT: Meow! Let’s get to clawin!
TIFA / TURTLES: …
RAPH: What the fuck are you saying?!
MATT: …I’ll come with you.
TIFA: Gambit-Sulu, are you comin?
GAMBIT-SULU: Sorry baby, I’m a lover not a fighter.
ROGUE: He’s barely a good lover.
GAMBIT-SULU: But still relatively good. Oh yeah!
[Tifa and the turtles rush into the next room.]
INT STRANGE STRUCTURE-TV ROOM
[Tifa and turtles rush in in slow motion and stop in shock.]
TIFA: Cloud!? What the hell?!
[Cloud and Sephiroth sit playing cards near the big screen.]
TIFA: What are you doin playing cards!? I thought you two were kickin the shit outta each other!
CLOUD: Yeah that got boring so we decided to play some cards. Rummy!
SEPHIROTH: Damn it! You got me again!
CLOUD: Yeah big surprise there.
CLOUD / SEPHIROTH: Ha Ha Ha Ha!
[Tifa stares at them with narrowed eyes.]
TIFA: And Holy?
SEPHIROTH: Woooa! Forget that! I’m not going up Barret’s ass!
CLOUD: Yeah, I’m not going anywhere near that either!
TIFA: …What are you two idiots talking about? You know what! Never mind! I don’t want to know! Are we done here?!
SEPHIROTH: I think so.
TIFA: Then let’s go!
INT STRANGE STRUCTURE-CELEBRATION ROOM
[People are partying merrily having just defeated evil. Much conversation can be heard. It is like a social gathering. Suddenly the doors open and in walks Cid Highwind and Cloud of Nine.]
CID: Good news, everyone! Cloud of Nine is back and better than ever! I reprogrammed him to be less of an asshole!
[Applause rings out. Ashe approaches Cloud of Nine.]
ASHE: Hey Cloud Nine I have someone I want you to meet.
[Rinoa smiles when he approaches her.]
MIKE: [To Raph] Dude, I think she’s going to do the robot!
RAPH: He’s a cyborg, numbnuts!
ER2NI2: Dance my gnomes! Dance like little crazed ewoks!
GROSCR: Stupid gnomes!
GRIMYS: You should’ve seen what they did to the bridge!
TIFA: Well everything seems to be getting back to normal. And now we’re home too.
CLOUD: Yeah. Home.
[Cloud takes a sip of his drink. Donnie walks up with Cid.]
TIFA: And Aeris seems to be enjoying Squall’s company. A rather unholy union if you ask me. But whatever.
CLOUD: Are you surprised? She was deHolied by Barret.
TIFA: Good point.
DONNIE: We found what was left of the Dorothy. I think we can salvage some parts of it but Cid here has volunteered his services.
CID: Yup. I’m gonna build you a whole new ship! [Cid slaps Cloud on the back and he swallows a cube. He raises his hands to try to scream but nothing comes out.]
TIFA: What the!? Cloud can’t scream?
MIKE: Cloud can’t scream!?
IRMA: Hey everyone! Cloud can’t scream!!
[A party labyrinth style plays out much to the chagrin of Cloud.]
INT DARK CAVE
[Barret enters the cave and looks around.]
BARRET: I have done it my master. I have retrieved Holy.
[Barret kneels before a blurry light.]
VOICE: Excellent. Where is it?
BARRET: Up my ass.
VOICE: …Great. You’ve taken a perfectly Holy item and made it unholy.
Screaming Cloud logo.
Thanks again and read to everyone again soon!
~Timothy S Purvis
vvvvvvvvv The original version of Episode IX vvvvvvvvvvv
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