Hello once again, faithful followers of this blog! As you likely well know by now, I’m Timothy Scott Purvis and this is another offering of Scripted Saturdays, where I post my old scripts up so you can see just how much crazy stuff I’ve written over the years! I have to be honest, though, I haven’t been writing a whole lot lately. Been having some issues on several fronts making it difficult for me to concentrate on my literary endeavors. I hope to continue writing something again soon. Can’t make a name for oneself when they don’t do anything useful, no?
Anyhoo, this is the next to last episode of the first run of my Star Cloud series on YouTube. The last script I’ll likely break in half due to its length (it’s right around 45 minutes long animated!) This one itself is just over half an hour. So, the back half of season two was pretty lengthy all together. Hope you enjoy this and thanks for reading! Read to you all again next week!
“BEHOLD A DARK CLOUD”
INT UNDERGROUND FACILITIES-STORAGE
[Cloud, Mikey and Raph stand before Cloud of Nine and his Borg allies. Suddenly an exclamation mark appears over everyone’s heads and they flee. “!” with a metal gear sound.
Mike and Raph disappear off screen while Cloud finds a remote controlled missile (“?” with a slow found mgs sound effect over his head) launcher and starts firing rockets at Cloud of Nine. He defeats Cloud of Nine, who flees. Cloud celebrates but is jumped by Borg henchmen.]
INT UNDERGROUND FACILITIES-OFFICE
[The Borg bring Cloud before Cloud of Nine.]
CLOUD OF NINE: Your persistence is juvenile.
CLOUD: Yeah you said that already.
[Stares at Cloud of Nine’s groin.
Cloud of Nine stares at him. Then looks down at his own crotch, his neck motors whirring. Then looks at Cloud in the face. A few seconds pass and Cloud of Nine starts rapping that he has big balls. After the song is done, they stare at one another before C9 turns and waves his hand at his allies.]
CLOUD OF NINE: Bring him.
CLOUD: [A teardrop icon slips across his forehead.]
EXT ALTERNATE REALITY MIDGAR
[Leo, Irma, Bert, and a new guy called Black Axl cautiously walk down a street in a parallel Midgar. It has become overrun by zombies. They’ve recently discovered that there have been reports of a drunken rat inadvertently unleashing hordes of undead. Is he playing with Shinra’s leftover Jenova cells? They must find out.
Suddenly a horde comes rushing out of the shadows and a fire fight breaks out. They barely escape to a rooftop just free of the zombies.]
BLACK AXL: Ah that’s it! Game over, man!
LEO: Calm down, Black Axl. We’re not finished yet.
IRMA: Where are we, Commander Leo?
LEO: [Pulls out a hand scanner.] It would seem that our rapid departures from the Dorothy have us left for dead in some zombie infested town in some parallel dimension.
BERT: How can you tell it’s a parallel dimension and not the world upon which everyone else beamed? What’s it called P7?
LEO: Yes P7, Planet… 7. But to answer your prior query, there’s unusually high levels of stupidity, testosterone, and a general unwillingness to think in the air content.
BERT: …Again, how can you tell it’s a parallel dimension and not where we came from?
LEO: Captain, it would seem that the only way out of this city is to work together and frag everything that moves.
BERT: I’m not your captain anymore, Leo. That job now belongs to Cloud. And as for the fragging… [cocks his gun.] I’m good with that.
IRMA: But what about Master Splinter?
LEO: Black Axl, you said you heard rumors of a drunken rat unleashing hordes of zombies somewhere right?
BLACK AXL: Y, yeah. But come on man! A drunken rat?!
LEO: He must have gotten ahold of some teriyaki.
IRMA: He relapsed.
BLACK AXL: What?! Teriyaki?!
LEO: It’s a long story. I’ll tell you about it along the way. Did you hear where the rat was spotted?
BLACK AXL: Woooaaa!! Along the way!? I’m not going out there! Have you taken a good look lately? [Points at the zombies below. A few are crowd surfin.]
LEO: Look, I understand how you feel. But if we stick together, we can weather this. We can’t stay here-
BLACK AXL: They haven’t figured out how to climb buildings yet-
ZOMBIE ON LEDGE: Grrr…
[Axl screams and Leo shoots the zombie’s arms off. It falls in terror. More start climbing up.]
IRMA: They’re climbing the building!?
LEO: Black Axl! Where did you hear he was!? The rat!
BLACK AXL: What the hell is a rat going to do for us!?
[Irma and Bert start shootin zombies.]
LEO: [Grabs Axl] Pull it together! We have to find out what rat is responsible for this mess! Now where’s the rat!?
BLACK AXL: I heard he’s out by the science labs in South Town!
LEO: [Cocks his gun] All right, people! Let’s get this four player death Match on the road!
[The four of them jump off the building top that is now on fire in a still frame like TMNT arcade. Burning zombies are in the back ground.]
INT SPACE CAPSULE
[Er2Ni2 sits in silence with his cohorts as they contemplate the future. The escape pod has been drifting for days and none seem very happy.]
TODD: Think we’re getting’ out of here anytime soon?
RANDOM BALD DUDE: Only if we hit a rock. [Gnomes gasp]
ER2NI2: Ok knock it off. You’re scaring the gnomes.
[A view screen pops on startling them all. A shadowy figure stares at them. Er2Ni2 inclines his head.]
ER2NI2: Master, I-
MASTER: Spare me the edifying platitudes. Your numerous failures in dealing with Cloud have cast serious doubt upon your abilities to accomplish your mission.
ER2NI2: Forgive me. I will not fail again.
MASTER: Don’t bother. You’re a waste. I even gave you a new body and what do you do? Go chasing after a corpse! Don’t bother replying. I have a task for you. This one you will not fail in. I assure you.
ER2NI2: Thank you, master.
[The screen goes black.]
TODD: So… does that mean they’re picking us up?
[The pod shudders. They look up and around. The lights outside turn dark as something latches on to them.]
RANDOM BALD DUDE: What was that?
[They hear a knock.]
TODD: Never mind that. What was that?
[The canopy above them opens. They see a face.]
RANDOM BALD DUDE: What the hell is it!?
CREATURE: I’m a Mat.
ER2NI2: A what?
MATT: A Mat. Half man. Half cat. I don’t give a shit about anyone.
ER2NI2: What are you doing on our roof?
MATT: I’m here to rescue you.
RANDOM BALD DUDE: From who? Aren’t you just picking us up?
MATT: Would you rather float around aimlessly? Look I don’t care. The master insisted I bring you back to him.
ER2NI2: The master sent you!
TODD: Alright. Everyone follow the pussy.
ER2NI2: Wait. What about the gnomes?
INTERIOR CRUMBLING BUILDING-ALT MIDGAR
[Voices echo up the halls as Leo and the others cut through the building.]
LEO: Alright! We’ll cut through this building and take a shortcut across those rooftops we saw ear-
[He stops at the entrance of a room. Bert, Irma, and Black Axl stop with him. A circle of light beams upon Leo’s face as a shadow passes through it. Leo’s eyes go wide at what seems to be a massive erection. And then another shadow blocks out the light and slurping is heard.]
BLACK AXL: Holy Shit! I’ve never seen one that big before!
BERT: Certainly not on a zombie.
[The view shifts to a woman kneeling before the crotch of a groaning zombie. Her head is bobbing up and down. (This is Ashe before she somehow gets transported back to their world with other members of ffxii.)]
IRMA: Wow. She’s really going at it.
BLACK AXL: Maybe she thinks that if she’s on her knees the zombie won’t eat her brains.
BERT: Poor deluded child. Now her head is at perfect snacking position.
LEO: Er… anyhow, let’s try another room and proc-
[A snap is heard.]
BLACK AXL: Oh my god! That zombie’s cock broke off in her mouth!!
[They all stare in horror as the woman suffocates and falls down.]
IRMA: Zombie seems happy though.
INT A DARK ROOM
[Cloud is strapped to a table trying to figure out how to get out of his jam. He gives up after a few moments and gasps.]
CLOUD: Well this reminds me of a rather unpleasant dream I once had. Why don’t I ever get abducted by nude Amazonian women!?
[A holographic viewscreen comes into existence before him. A dark silhouette is displayed on it.]
MASTER: So, at long last I have the great Cloud Strife right where I want him! Bound and gagged! Hahahahah!
CLOUD: Who the hell are you?
[The silhouette looks around in agitation.]
MASTER: Damnit! I said I wanted him gagged!
[Cloud blinks and looks at the silhouette talking to someone OS.]
MASTER: What!? Ragged?! What the hell are you talking about!? How’d you get ragged out of that!? Bound and ragged! That doesn’t even make sense! What did you use…? Maxie pads!?
[Cloud looks down at his pants and screams.]
MASTER: Why would you fill his pants with maxis!? By the mother! Cloud… yes, look, sorry, my man. It would seem your pants are chock full of Maxie pads.
CLOUD: What the hell, dude!? What the hell!?
MASTER: Look don’t be a bitch about this. Now, where was I? Oh yes! I have you now! Even if you are just bound. I would have preferred gagged but good help is so hard to find. You know what, I’d settle even for competent help right now.
CLOUD: What do you want from me, you fiend!?
MASTER: Straight to the point as always! I like that in a captured man!
[Silence passes for a moment.]
MASTER: Anyway, now that I have you, I will use your innate powers to open a vortex to the Promised Land! HAHAHAHAHA!
CLOUD: Wait? What? What power? I don’t have any special powers!
MASTER: Oh, come now Cloud. You have the power of improbabilities! You’re possessed of an organic improbability drive if you will.
CLOUD: Organic improbability drive? Huh? Whatever, you looney!
MASTER: You never found it improbable that Tifa, your girlfriend, can summon dolphins out of dry dirt and hang ten on brick walls? You never found it odd that your beloved Aerith-
MASTER: Aerith! Aeris! What the fuck difference does it make!? You never found it odd that she won’t stay dead!? Or how you can fly up into the air and engage in complex fighting styles without ever touching the ground? How your friends and allies can just toss you up into the sky without so much as breaking a sweat or obeying the simplest laws of physics?
CLOUD: Physics baw! Who needs physics!?
MASTER: Let alone your surviving a forty story fall without receiving but a scratch! Cloud, improbable things happen around you.
CLOUD: It’s just a coincidence.
MASTER: How about Barret in a sailor suit?
CLOUD: Oh my god!! What am I?!
MASTER: HAHAHAHAHA!! You’re my perfect specimen!
CLOUD: Wait, do I know you? You sound familiar to me somehow. Have I baffled you before?
MASTER: HAHAHA! Oh, you’ll find out soon eno-
[Suddenly gummy bears start dancing across the screen and singing.]
MASTER & CLOUD: …
CLOUD: That was random.
MASTER: Yes, well anyhow. You’ll find out soon enough! HAHAHA! Why don’t you just hang around!
[The screen goes black and Cloud lays there in silence.]
CLOUD: Improbable things do not just happen around me.
UNKNOWN VOICE: When suddenly…
[Tommy pops out of a portal that materializes next to Cloud.]
TOMMY: Damn it! This place is too big and confusing and those portals never take you to where you want to go!
CLOUD: …Tommy! Man am I glad to see you! Yes, your presence might inadvertently prove the words of my nemesis correct but I’m willing to chock it up to coincidence!
TOMMY: …What are you talking about?
CLOUD: Nothing. Hey could you get me out of here?
TOMMY: Why should I want to do that? Last I checked you were a womb popping demon trying to take me by surprise.
CLOUD: No, I was just stuck in that hole in the ground. I got in a fight with a robotic chicken and it got in a good drop kick. And then I tripped and fell. No big deal.
TOMMY: Let me get this straight. A robot chicken drop-kicked you into a pussy?
CLOUD: Hey that chicken cheated! And I tripped into a hole, a hole in the floor.
TOMMY: Whatever you gotta tell yourself.
CLOUD: Will you just get me outta here!?
TOMMY: Again, you haven’t answered my question.
CLOUD: Because two heads are better than none!
TOMMY: You mean one.
CLOUD: One none two heads are still better! Or do you have some idea on how to get outta here!? Mr. I can’t work this portal!
[Tommy uses a portal gun to make Cloud’s shackles disappear.]
CLOUD: All right thanks! Now let’s make like Choco-Billy and get the flock outta here!
[Tifa, Gambit, Rogue, Yuffie, Squall, Rinoa, Donnie, and April are walking through the woods. Squall walks with his head down while Rinoa is talking his ear off.]
RINOA: I just can’t believe it! Here we are again! I’ve been looking everywhere for you! You still haven’t told me where you got off to? Where were you Squall? And why didn’t you come back?
SQUALL: Mmm Running… errands for Justin Bailey’s Intergalactic Freak Show. You know, getting food… and… stuff… for the freaks… and things like that.
RINOA: Oh… gee that sounds like hard work.
SQUALL: Yeah haha it… it was hard all right. Never knew which corner disaster was lurking around. Cosmos is full of annoyances.
RINOA: That’s ok! I’m here to take care of you now!
TIFA: Donnie, where are we? All I’ve seen so far is endless forest.
DONNIE: It does seem to be a densely wooded planet. We seem to be near the southern hemisphere. But… wait. I’m picking up something.
GAMBIT-SULU: I hope it’s a restaurant. I’m starving.
ROGUE: But you just ate.
GAMBIT-SULU: That didn’t qualify as “food.”
APRIL: I’ll just settle for someplace to rest. I’m exhausted.
TIFA: Yeah it feels like we’ve been walking for days.
DONNIE: I don’t know that we’ll find either rest or food. This energy signature is off the charts. Whatever it is, is potent.
TIFA: Any idea what it could be?
SQUALL: God please let it be aliens.
SQUALL: N-nothing at all.
[They enter a clearing where a very large structure stands. They see an entrance straight ahead.]
DONNIE: This must be the source. It… looks mobile. Maybe it IS aliens.
RINOA: Don’t worry Squall! I won’t let them abduct you!
SQUALL: It’s fine! Really! I don’t mind being a sexual experiment!
RINOA: [Grabbing him close.] You don’t have to put on a brave face for me! They’ll have to get through my dead body first!
[Donnie and Tifa stare at them.]
TIFA: This crew just gets odder and odder.
DONNIE: No kidding. Let’s head in.
[Tommy and Cloud rush into a different section of hallways. They encounter Aeris, Kairi, Mike, and Raph.]
CLOUD: Aeris! Kairi! I thought you were caged by hard ass here! [Indicates Tommy.]
KAIRI: My little froggie helped!
AERIS: Oh my god! The paper frog didn’t help anyone! Tommy here came back and let us out because we weren’t what he was hunting for. So, we split up. We went to find Raph and Mike and he went to find you.
CLOUD: That was nice of you. Wait! You acted like I was just some inconvenience!
TOMMY: But you are inconvenient. An inconvenient truth. But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t there to help. Besides, it’s fun messing with your head.
RAPH: What the hell is up with this place? It looks like someone’s been watchin too much Spaceballs the animated series.
MIKE: Yeah, it’s like all cocks and balls!
CLOUD: You got a problem with cocks and balls!?
MIKE: Well… I’m more interested in the boobs décor.
TOMMY: And Cloud seems to enjoy the pussies in the floor.
CLOUD: I tripped into a hole! A hole!! Anyhow, there’s nothing wrong with cocks, balls, and boobs! Hell, I like em big!
[Everybody stares at him in shock.]
Nothing says man more than manhandling a mighty pole twirling it around and shoving it up some buffoons’ ass! …er I mean like a halberd or something like that. Not literally a cock or something like that… you know what I mean!
MIKE: I don’t think anyone knows what you mean, dude! Is there something you’re not telling us?
CLOUD: No! I’m just saying everyone appreciates a good sized package! Right ladies?
AERIS: Indubitably. Big cocks are awesome!
KAIRI: I love big balls!
CLOUD: Speaking of which. I found these devices that we can use. We can’t get into a cock fight with Cloud of Nine unprepared.
MIKE: What do we do?
[Cloud starts inflating his package with a hose. The others join in by taking a device and placing it on their groins and start blowing.]
AERIS: Oh! I want one too!
[After inflating their pieces, they stand erect. Fresh bulges on their crotches indicating their readiness to face down Cloud of Nine.]
INT HALLWAY TO SHOWDOWN
[Cloud and team start walking down the hall side by side as if they have the right stuff. Their shadows drown out the screen.]
INT STRUCTURE CHAMBER
[Cloud of Nine enters a darkened chamber and kneels before a seated figure.]
CLOUD OF NINE: My lord, Er2Ni2 has yet to arrive and we’ve lost all contact with the drop ship sent to retrieve him and his minions.
MASTER: …So be it. I do not know what game Er2Ni2 is playing but he’s ceased to be useful anyhow. Summon the troops and prepare to welcome Cloud and his motley crew.
CLOUD OF NINE: Yes, my master.
MASTER: It is all going according to plan!
INT HALLWAY TO SHOWDOWN
[Tifa and her allies are stumbling through hallways.]
TIFA’S VOICE: Where are we!? There’s too many damn halls.
[They enter an intersection and encounter Cloud and his crew.]
TIFA: Cloud! Oh, thank god! I thought we’d lost you for good! Look there’s this massive energy source and… [Stares at the crotches of the six of them.]
TIFA: …There’s something seriously wrong with you.
INT SUBTERRANEAN COMPOUND
[They all rush into a subterranean compound looking for Cloud of Nine. Cloud and his crew still have inflated crotches. They can barely see ahead of them as darkness surrounds all but their immediate path forward.]
SQUALL: Hmmm. This reminds me of an old joke I once heard.
MIKE: Oh. I like jokes. How’s it go?
TOMMY: Do we really have time for jokes?
CLOUD: Well why not? Until the evil goons decide to jump out and scare the shit outta us, mightaswell.
SQUALL: Right. So, this woman’s having sex with this guy-
TIFA: Oh lord.
RAPH: Shut up. I want to hear this. Continue.
SQUALL: -and everything’s going all good until they hear a pounding on the door. They hear someone yell,
“Open up I know he’s in there!”
And the woman’s like, “Oh shit! It’s my husband! Get in the closet!”
So, the guy gets all his stuff and hides in the closet. He hears the husband tearing around in the bedroom yelling,
“Where is he!?” and the woman trying to calm him down. Suddenly the sounds of the husband and the woman having sex echo through the room.
RAPH: Now that’s what I’m talking about!
SQUALL: The man is still in the closet panicking hoping the husband won’t come check the closet and getting pissed that now the woman is having sex again when he hears a voice say,
“It’s dark in here.”
The man’s like, “Oh shit! Who’s there!?”
“That’s my mommy out there.”
“Shhh—” the man replies to the small voice. “Don’t say anything.”
“Ok. But it’s gonna cost you,” the small voice says.
“All right. Here’s ten dollars.”
“I’m gonna scream.”
“I’m gonna scream.”
“Look, all’s I got is a hundred.”
So, the guy gives the kid his hundred and waits for the husband to finish up and leave and then beats a hasty retreat. The next day the woman and her kid are at the store when the kid sees a scooter he wants.
“Mommy I want that.”
“I don’t have the money,” she says.
“I’ve got a hundred.”
“Where’d you get that?” she demands.
“I can’t tell you.”
So, she slaps him.
“I can’t tell you!”
“Where’d you get it!?”
So, after getting tired of beating the kid senseless for several minutes, the mom decides to take the kid to church for a confession. Once there she sees a priest and approaches him.
“Father, hi, my son has a hundred dollar bill that he got from somewhere but won’t say from where. Could you talk to him?”
The priest looks at the smiling mother and forces a smile himself and says, “Oh, oh really? I see. Well, uh, ok. Come on then, my child.” He takes the kid into a confession booth and says, “Ok so, uh, where did you get the money?”
The child responds, “It’s dark in here.”
Prompting the priest to say, “Shhhh! Don’t start that again!”
[Everyone laughs except Kairi.]
KAIRI: I don’t get it.
MASTER: Oh my! What a delightfully perverse joke! You’ll have to regale me with another sometime… if you live! HAHAHa!
[The lights come on and there stands Cloud of Nine, a bunch of Shinra troops and a figure they all know all too well.]
TIFA: [gasps] Sephiroth!
CLOUD: Sephiroth! I should have known! I thought that cheap conditioner smelled familiar!
SEPHIROTH: HAHAHA! As if I didn’t give you enough clues! Now that I’ve captured the technology on board that ship of yours, I can finally harness the power of the universe! HAHAHA!
CLOUD: Wait, you can do that with that space ship?
RAPH: Er… Don?
DONNIE: Don’t look at me. This is the first time I’ve heard it. Unless… he intends to use the core to generate a wormhole powerful enough to imbue him with intergalactic powers!
SEPHIROTH: I leave you to your fate to ponder in your last few minutes what fate my power may have brought you had it been fated to be your fate! HAHAHA!
CLOUD: [Raises arms and screams out] Sephiroth! Roth! Roth! Roth!
[The name echoes as the camera pans out.]
TIFA: [Staring at Cloud whose arms are still raised.] Cloud, you don’t have to scream all the time. It gets annoying.
CLOUD: Hey! Don’t blame me! Blame the guy writing this crap!
INT SUBTERRANEAN COMPOUND
KAIRI: Oh! I get it! Don’t start that again! HAHA. Hey did anyone else notice that today’s theme was cocks?
[Everyone stares at her.]
SCREAMING CLOUD LOGO.
Thanks for stopping by and read to you all again soon!
~Timothy S Purvis
vvvvvvvvvThe original version of Episode VIII vvvvvvvvvvv
(Here are the original lyrics to Daddy’s Got Sack. I altered it some in the final video but I think you get the drift. The song sung suckingly is below the lyrics!)
SONG SUNG BY CLOUD OF NINE
I GOTTA BIG OLE SACK
I’ve got big balls and I cannot lie
This nutsack’s super wide
And when you’re looking down below my waist
I slap this thing across your face what a dong
Damn it’s super long and it’s gonna get rough
Cause you notice my pack is extra stuft
Deep in the pants you’re nearin
It’s huge and you can’t stop fearin
OOOoo maybe you’re just twitchin
Hopin I’ll stop bewitchin
Your knockkneed bimbos and your skinny little ho’s
But those little bimbos can’t handle this massive Joe
Think I’ve got a massive package?
I got a big ole’ sack!
vvvvvvvvv Daddy’s Got Sack (Revised) vvvvvvvvvvv
I would appreciate if you have Kindle or even if you want some paperback goodies if you’d head on over to my page and maybe show me some love there. I mean, if you’ve been reading a while and see something you like, wouldn’t you like to have it in your personal library? I have some cool short stories available for cheap. Also Tales From A Strange Mind that collects my short stories (there’s also a Kindle edition but, for some reason, Amazon wouldn’t let me link them together) , Tales From A Strange Mind II which collects my old novellas, Red Star Sheriff (Which also has a Kindle edition but Amazon, am I right?) my first novel ever released, though, yes, it does have some grammatical errors and drags on for way too long, sigh. But I still love it and I will be writing a follow up sometime within the next few years. I have a collection of my poems called MisAligned: The Heart Waxes Poetic which collects my old poems but not some of my newer ones included those flash fictions! I’ll probably do that in the future as well. And if you love the perfectly inane, why not check out my Star Cloud scripts presented in book form? Star Cloud The Original Scripts. Another one where Amazon was being difficult with me in connecting the Kindle and PB versions. Still, the paperback they let me sale for cheap and it’s well worth a look if I say so myself. Or, if you don’t want to click on individual links (all of which will take you to my author’s page anyway), just click on my author’s page directly by tapping my name: Timothy S Purvis See for yourself what all I’ve published since I began this venture in 2016.
I mean, if you like my work, of course. No pressure. Just trying to find my way in this world without working menial tasks and suffering physical and mental issues as a result. If only I could merely stay home and write. That would be my most epic fantasy brought to life. Well, if you don’t want to do that, you could also donate to my cause down below after all is said and done. It would help. You know, if you liked what you saw and all. Up to you. I don’t have a lot of reviews on my materials because of low sales. I mean, very, very low sales. In the single digits. Right now, I have to rely on Pubby for reviews and those people only read your synopsis and recap it for a five star review. I want honest opinions. Not mean ones, but honest. So, if you ever find yourself buying some of my work, I’d certainly appreciate some feedback. Again, up to you.
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