Greetings and salutations, faithful followers of this blog! I’m Timothy Scott Purvis and this is another week of Scripted Saturdays! We’ve almost reached the end of my first run of Star Cloud scripts and I hope you’ve been enjoying them so far! I have half of season three written so I will likely post them after these are done because I really have no idea when or even if I’m going to animate them. I want to, but it takes a lot of time and I’m not as young as I used to be! But we shall see what the future brings.
For now, please enjoy the next episode of Star Cloud and feel free to watch the original video for it at the end of the offering!
NARRATION: Previously on Star Cloud!
[Done in an old fashioned announcer’s voice with a montage of still frames from previous episode with old matinee type words across them. Paint stroke look.]
NARRATION: The M.S. Dorothy was attacked by MALICIOUS GNOMES of Ill-content! Those gnomes were eaten by GIANT TITMICE That weren’t birds but actual mice!
Yet, the Todd escaped! ZOUNDS! And once alone with Tifa, Cloud let the muppet OUT OF THE CLOSET! But Will it prove enough?!
The ship has been invaded by ER2NI2 and his evil Minions, and the crew is in PERILE! What will our HERO do?! Can he stop SCREAMING long enough to do Anything!?
Find out in today’s thrilling episode of STAR CLOUD!! …IN COLOR!
[Cloud stands with his arms in the air as everyone stares at bounty hunter Betty.]
LEO: Not too many bounty hunters named Betty. You must be from the Bovine Nebula.
CLOUD: Ugh. That was horrible Leo.
MIKE: Yeah seriously dude. Leave the witticisms to Cloud and I.
CLOUD: Really. If you want to insult a guy like this you gotta say something like, you’d better invest in a stronger suit cuz I can still smell ya over here!
MIKE: Or, Iron Man told me to tell you to stay outta his kitchen!
CLOUD: The Covenant called. They said you’d be the perfect candidate for biological experiment number 69.
MIKE: Is all that hardware for making coleslaw?
CLOUD: It’s run ‘n gun not plod ‘n fall.
MIKE: Which member of Kiss are you?
CLOUD: Nothing says future drowning victim better than a full metal jacket.
MIKE: There are better ways of avoiding the IRS.
CLOUD: Is that an assault rifle in your hands or are you just happy to see me?
[Leo stares at the two aghast and then Betty points his gun at them.]
BETTY: I see Laurel and Hardy want to find out if they’re bulletproof.
[Mike and Cloud stop in shock.]
MIKE: Wooooa! Betty’s got game!
CLOUD: …And a magnetic personality!
[They both laugh.]
BETTY: Oh, the master is going to be sooo happy to see you!
[The group is led before Er2Ni2.]
LEO: Er2Ni2! I should have known!
CLOUD: I thought I smelled failure.
MIKE: My god, Cloud, you shouldn’t be so rude! It’s not failure, it’s what’s left of his pride after realizing he hired Ms. Camelot to be his wenchman.
CLOUD: Oh yeah. It’s amazing how often I get those two mixed up.
BETTY: Will you two shut up!?
TIFA: Pffft! Good luck with that.
BETTY: [To Er2Ni2] You want me to wax them now?
CLOUD: Tifa does have some hairy legs.
[Tifa glares at him maliciously.]
ER2NI2: Not just yet. I want them to bear witness to my overwhelming victory over them.
[Soon the Todd and some gnomes enter the corridor leading Irma towards them. Donnie and a few others come from another hall. He sees her.]
DONNIE: Irma! If you harm her you beast…!
ER2NI2: Silence turtle. It is she I have come for.
[Everyone lets loose a gasp.]
CLOUD: Oh, I get it, you’re still pissed she switched sides.
ER2NI2: Not exactly. I realized that she was what I wanted. And when I could no longer have her… I… I malfunctioned. I need you Irma. Return to me.
DONNIE: This is ludicrous!
CLOUD: You’re telling me! Let me see if I can get this straight, when you were living you wanted Bert. Then you became a robot… who wants Irma!? So… uh… er… I thought that since you and Bert were, you know, involved, that you were… like in with Bert. So, to speak?
ER2NI2: That was before. Now I am a robot mindlessly adhering to societal standards that are not beyond my rigid set of programming instructions. Do not interfere. Irma, you will come with me, now.
IRMA: Nooo! I’ll never join you!
ER2NI2: The choice is not yours.
LEO: [Whispers to Cloud] Captain, please try to distract everyone.
CLOUD: [Whispers back.] By doing what?
LEO: [Still whispering.] By being yourself.
[Leo quietly leaves while Er2Ni2 is dragging Irma with him.]
DONNIE: Let her go you fiend!
BERT: Ernie! Try to remember who you are! You’re better than this!
[Er2Ni2 stops with Irma still struggling.]
ER2NI2: I am no longer that entity. I am Er2Ni2…
BERT: No! You’re Ernie! The muppet that I love!
ER2NI2: …Love. How could you ever love a robot?
CLOUD: Yeah really. Though based on what I saw, a giant robot will satisfy Bert better than a muppet anyhow.
[Bert and Er2Ni2 stare at Cloud.]
BERT: Thank you, Cloud. I’ve got it from here.
CLOUD: Hey! I’m just saying I’m the one that had to pull the electric dildo outta your ass. Though I’m not entirely certain where that wire was attached but I’ve never seen a dildo fly like that before.
[Shots shift between the three.]
CLOUD: I mean I’ve never seen a rectal seeking dildo before. That sucker must have had the heat seeking thermometer dialed all the way up to flaming asshooooaaa-!!
ER2NI2: [Starts choking Cloud] Why you little!!
BERT: Ernie! NO!
[Leo stands before the engine core doing something to its coding.]
LEO: I don’t have the complete set of self-destruct codes. I’d need the captain for that and somehow I doubt Cloud knows ‘em. Fortunately, I know an overload trick.
[A flash frame with Leo’s face in streaked pastels and the words Did You Get That!?]
[Er2Ni2’s hands are still around Cloud’s throat as he turns blue when the lights go red. And the computer starts speaking.]
COMPUTER: The self-destruct mechanism has been activated. [Repeats] All personnel evacuate.
ER2NI2: What!? How!? Oh no! Where is that turtle?!
THE TODD: He seems to have left, master!
ER2NI2: [Let’s go of Cloud] We have to get out of here!
BERT: We must get off this ship, captain Cloud!
CLOUD: How!? Where!? Why!?
TIFA: Cloud! The ship’s going to blow up!
TIFA: [Sighs] We’re not done yet, drama queen! We have to get to the escape pods!
[She guides him OS and everyone follows.]
INT SHIP-SHUTTLE BAY
[Shuttles are launching leaving Cloud and the crew stranded on board.]
[Cloud tries to claim a pod.]
CLOUD: That’s mine!
[The thing turns around and honks his long trunk at Cloud and jumps into the pod. It waves as the pod jettisons.]
CLOUD: You can’t blow your trunk at me and then steal my junk! Come back here you… you… what the hell are you!?
TIFA: We’re going to use the transporters!
CLOUD: Oh yeah. We do have those.
[An exotic jungle. Through patches of brush comes a haggard looking Raphael.]
RAPH: Stardate… ugh. Who knows what day it is anymore!? I’ve been wandering these woods for what seems like days! I don’t know where I am let alone how I got here! I tried to shoot that gnome and then-bam!-here I am!
I should never have agreed to eat that pizza with Mikey. Gave me delusions of gran… deuuurrrrr!!!
[Falls down a hill through the brush.
Darkness surrounds him and then a voice in his head.]
VOICE: Hello? Hello?
RAPH: Ugh… Hi? Where am I?
VOICE: Oooh! It moved!
RAPH: What the fuck!?
VOICE: Back then you could just get away with scrapped knees.
RAPH: What the fuck are you talking about!? Who are you?
VOICE: You just came crashing down.
RAPH: Crashing? Where?
VOICE: Don’t worry about the flowers. They’ll grow back.
RAPH: …Are you smoking crack?
VOICE: Step on a crack break your mother’s back! Tee-hee!
VOICE: That wouldn’t be really funny.
[Raph starts to wake up to the light. He holds up a hand. Through the bright light a woman’s face starts to appear.]
RAPH: This is that damned pizza’s fault!
WOMAN: Hi… I’m Aeris.
[She holds out her hand to help him up and smiles with her eyes closed.]
EXT PLANET SIDE
[Cloud and the gang recover from their beaming. But it’s just a few of them present.]
CLOUD: Ugh… what happened?
MIKE: I… I think we beamed out all right.
CLOUD: Where is everyone?!
KAIRI: I’m right here!
CLOUD: Oh great… we’ve got the intern. Sure, that’ll help us out a lot. Where’s Tifa?
MIKE: I… don’t know.
CLOUD: …I hope she got out all right.
[They look up at the sky and see a streak of fire going across the sky.]
CLOUD: My God, what have I done?
RAPH: What you always do. Turn life into an inescapable chance to die.
CLOUD: …Raph! Where have you been!?
MIKE: Yay! See we’re not alone!
RAPH: Somehow, I got stuck on this planet. But this young woman has been helping me out.
[They see Aeris who smiles broadly. She is about to speak when Cloud speaks.]
CLOUD: Oh, hey Aerith.
AERIS: [Smile fades.] That’s Aeris! AERIS!! Why does everyone keep calling me Aerith!? You sound like you have a goddamn speech impediment when you say it that way!
[Places her hands on her hips.]
CLOUD: Well excuse me if the Japanese have pronunciation problems with ‘s’ and ‘thhhhhhp’! …wait… Aeris? Aeris!? Does that mean…?! Uh uh hehe heh heh hahaha! We’re back! We’re back!!
RAPH: Back where?
INT ESCAPE POD
[Er2Ni2 sits uncomfortably inside with the Todd, a bunch of gnomes, and other individuals including a random bald dude.]
BALD DUDE: So… uhm… how’s it going?
ER2NI2: Well, aside from failing to kill Cloud and steal back my dead girlfriend from a turtle…pretty good.
BALD DUDE: Cool… Don’t let it get you down. Cloud’s a mood killer for everyone.
EXT PLANETSIDE-THE WOODS
[Yuffie sits up in distress and removes a helmet.]
YUFFIE: Uh… gawd. What happened? And why am I wearing armor?
[A voice from under her.]
YUFFIE: What the…!?
[She stands up and finds young Squall panting.]
SQUALL: [Sitting up.] What the hell!? Where’d you come from!? 1st I’m walking then I have your butt in my face! [Points at himself.]
YUFFIE: I’m sorry about that. I didn’t mean to shove my ass in your nose.
SQUALL: That’s what they all say. What’s with all the armor?
YUFFIE: You know, I have no idea but I have this strange urge to randomly shoot somebody.
[Squall takes a step back. She smiles encouragingly.]
YUFFIE: Don’t worry. You’re not just somebody random. Besides I already shot you with my ass!
[She walks off leaving Squall to ponder absently.]
SQUALL: … [Follows Yuffie OS.]
EXT WOODS-SOMEWHERE ELSE
[Tifa, Rinoa, Donnie, Gambit, Rogue, and April walk forlorn.]
DONNIE: This vegetation is dense.
APRIL: Ugh how long have we been walking?
TIFA: Let’s just keep moving, guys. We have to find Cloud and figure out what to do next.
DONNIE: Providing Cloud got his dumbass off! …Oh, My poor Irma! She was right with me! Where’d She go?
TIFA: Donnie, you’re the engineer. What happened? Why’d we all get separated?
DONNIE: There must have been a micro converter malfunction that sent us all to different places.
RINOA: So… they’re still alive, right?
DONNIE: [Shakes head.] I hope so.
TIFA: Don’t worry. If we keep going, I’m sure we’ll run into them, soo-
[Tifa gets plowed over by a figure running at full speed. She sits up and finds Yuffie on top of her. Squall exits the woods.]
SQUALL: My God, Yuffie! I told you you would hurt yourself or someone else running around like-
[He sees Rinoa who smiles broadly. He screams and she throws herself at him.]
RINOA: Squall!! I knew I’d find you someday!
[Squall shakes his head and closes his eyes in resignation.]
INT STRANGE STRUCTURE IN MIDDLE OF WOODS
[Raph, Cloud, Mike, Kairi, and Aeris look around.]
RAPH: So, is this your home?
CLOUD: Do I look like I live in a shack!?
AERIS: Nah, Cloud lives in broke down Midgar. Tee-hee!
CLOUD: …You’re not helping my cause any Aeris. By the way, Looks like you’re an improved version of yourself too. Any idea how that happened?
AERIS: Well I just woke up one morning and my breasts were perkier and my hips wider.
MIKE: You didn’t knock her up did you, Cloud?
CLOUD: No, I never tapped that but I wouldn’t mind it!
MIKE: OH!! Oh!!
[Gives his best ‘Oh’ face.]
RAPH: …Isn’t Tifa your girlfriend?
CLOUD: Yeah. After Aeris died.
MIKE: Another dead chick!?
AERIS: I’m not dead! I feel fine.
CLOUD: Oh, come on now, you’re not fooling anyone!
AERIS: But I’m not dead! I feel like taking a walk.
RAPH: Well if she isn’t dead now how’d she come back to Life?
CLOUD: One of life’s little mysteries.
KAIRI: I’m no expert but I’d say that this is just a parallel Dimension where Aeris never actually ‘died’ but was a Player in an epic drama portrayed for people’s Entertainment.
CLOUD: …I’m sorry. Which one of us is the intern?
KAIRI: …Uhm… me?
CLOUD: That’s right. So, until you’re a full-fledged member of the crew, shut the fuck up!
MIKE: [To Kairi] You’ll get used to it. Everyone says that around here.
RAPH: A crew without a ship. What are we going to do Cloud?
CLOUD: Why are you asking me?
RAPH: Because the last I checked YOU were the captain.
CLOUD: You people just won’t let that go will you? Fine, Then I guess we need to find Tifa.
RAPH: Yeah. Good idea. We should unite the crew and then make a decision.
CLOUD: Nah. I just think she’ll have a better idea of what to do than me.
MIKE: Dude! You are like so whipped!
CLOUD: Are you gettin’ any?
CLOUD: Are you gettin’ any?
MIKE: Any what?
CLOUD: Nookie Mike. You know… [Starts thrusting hips.]
MIKE: Oh! Uh… no?
CLOUD: Yeah. That’s what I thought. [Walks off.]
RAPH: He has a point. Why don’t you go with Cloud. We’ll split up.
CLOUD: Good idea. We can do more damage that way. Wait! So, you’re taking all the girls!?
RAPH: Just Kairi and Aeris. Why? You want the intern?
CLOUD: No, you can have her.
[Kairi’s smile fades.]
AERIS: I know this area pretty well. I’ll keep Raph and Kairi safe.
CLOUD: Whatever. Come on, Mike. I know when we’re not Wanted!
RAPH: Stop being such a drama queen!
[Cloud and Mike exit OS.]
RAPH: Ok. Tifa and everyone couldn’t have gotten separated from us by much. [He places a hand on Aeris’s breast] The transporter spread can be up to several hundred kilometers or so. And since they were all set for the same destination, they should be closer than that. [Places a hand on Kairi’s breast and stares at her.]
KAIRI: Right! Lead the way fearless leader!
AERIS: Wow. You are such a suck up.
INT-STRUCTURE IN THE WOOD
[Cloud and Mike proceed deeper into the structure but it’s starting to look more and more weird.]
MIKE: Ok this place is really starting to creep me the fuck out.
CLOUD: I don’t remember anything like this before. What Built it?
MIKE: Somethin’ alien? Oh no!
MIKE: I hope no five fingered death palm jumps out of a crevice to latch itself upon my face in the sickening goal of implanting an embryo down my throat!
CLOUD: …Only you would imagine getting face fucked by a hand! And you can’t get pregnant if you swallow either! That’s just an urban legend. Believe me, I should know.
VOICE: [OS] Byaaaaaaccckkk!!
[A strange cluck emanates from behind them. They jump in surprise.]
CLOUD: What the dilly!?
[They turn to see something staring at them.]
MIKE: Uh… ok.
CLOUD: What the hell is it?
MIKE: It looks like some evil robotic chicken thingy.
CLOUD: What’s it want?
[The robot chicken holds up a toy turtle.]
MIKE: Oh my god! It wants our action figures!
CLOUD: What!? No, you fowl feathered barnyard robot of malicious intent! You cannot have out toy action Figures!
[A fight breaks out between the robot chicken and Cloud. It gets pissed and starts clucking the theme to 2001 a space odyssey. Then the words “Fight!” with a voice announcer comes out. Cloud ends up getting tossed across the room and gets stuck into a “hole” in the floor. The chicken flees. “Finish Him!”]
MIKE: Dude! Are you all right!?
CLOUD: Wh… umph fmph mphsn crman!!
MIKE: The chicken’s gone! Let me help get you out.
[Mike grabs at Cloud’s flailing legs and tries to pull. While in the process, a light flashes. Mike stands still staring towards the screen.]
RAPH: [Lowers camera] Had to. No one will believe me when I tell them Cloud Almost got swallowed by a giant pussy.
CLOUD: Whmmms ommt dermmph?
MIKE: Oh uh… Raph’s here to help us! Dude, help me get Cloud out!
RAPH: If you insist.
MIKE: *Uhnnn*…I thought…*Uhgh* …You were lookin’ for Tiiiiifaaunng… with Aeris and Kairi!?
RAPH: Yeah funny thing about that. It’s why I came to get you and Cloud. Here’s what happened:
EXT MIDDLE OF THE WOODS
RAPH: So, we were walking through a bunch of halls and came out into an opening.
MIKE: Were there any five fingered death palms?
[Aeris, Kairi, and Raph pause and look around while Raph speaks out loud. Still narrating but past Raph is speaking aloud.]
RAPH: What the fuck are you talking about?!
AERIS: Neither of us said anything.
RAPH: Not you! Mike!
KAIRI: But Mike’s not here.
RAPH: Will you two shut up! I’m narrating.
[Aeris looks at Kairi and blinks.]
KAIRI: Don’t look at me. I’m just the intern.
RAPH: So, I was behind Aeris and Kairi when suddenly Aeris stopped.
AERIS: I stopped because you’re talking to thin air.
RAPH: She stopped and dropped to her knees.
AERIS: Say what!?
RAPH: Well, get on your knees.
AERIS: Why in the hell would I do that!?
RAPH: Are you narrating?
AERIS: No! But I can tell you if I was, I wouldn’t be dropping to my knees!
[Her eyes narrow.]
RAPH: Anyhow, she said she heard the planet talking or some such nonsense.
[Aeris drops down and crawls along the ground.]
AERIS: It’s talkin’ all right. It’s saying I should’ve went with Cloud instead of the perverted turtle.
RAPH: She started crawling along on the ground on all fours…
AERIS: Do you want me to bark while I’m at it!? [Looks at Raph]
KAIRI: Should I be worried here?
MIKE: Seriously dude, this is sounding really bad.
RAPH: It’s what happened!
AERIS: When was that!?
RAPH: When you started crawling on the ground and found that thing!
AERIS: OH! Now I’m finding things huh? Well I’m feeling Around but not finding any… oh hey what’s this?
MIKE: So, while she’s finding things, what are you doin?
RAPH: What do you mean? I’m watching her find it!
[Aeris glares at the screen with her hand on a small object.]
AERIS: Tonight I dine on turtle soup.
[Pulls the object absently.]
RAPH: When suddenly…
[A trap is sprung snagging Aeris in a cage. Kairi rushes forward.]
[She gets snagged by another cage. Then an ominous shadow appears.]
RAPH: Hang on! It was then I realized we were being hunted! So, I came to get you guys! [He shouts running away.]
[The two caged women swing helplessly watching him flee. Aeris’ eyes are locked in a narrowed glare. Both cages swing steadily.]
KAIRI: So, do you think he’s coming back?
AERIS: This is the last time I drop to my knees for a turtle.
INT STRUCTURE A STRANGE PLACE
MIKE: So, you just left Aeris and Kairi swingin?
RAPH: Well what else was I supposed to do!?
MIKE: Dude, I don’t know about Kairi, but somethin’s telling me Aeris is gonna kick your ass when she sees you again!
RAPH: Look let’s just get Cloud out and go back to free-
[A blast flies between them. Raph and Mike scream and let go of Cloud.]
CLOUD: Mmmphfupgobmonmph!? [Kicks violently.]
MIKE: What the hell was that!?
VOICE: [OS] It was a warning.
[Their hands go up.]
RAPH: That’s him. That’s the one that got ‘em.
MIKE: What do you want with Aeris and Kairi dude!?
[The figure steps forward out of the shadows.]
TOMMY: I am Tommy. And it is my mission to free the universe from evil.
MIKE: Well then we’re on your side, dude! We’re trying to free the universe from evil too!
TOMMY: I don’t know. You’re big, green, and ugly…
[Cloud gets himself out with a wet plop and stands up.]
CLOUD: Whew! I couldn’t breathe in that thing!
TOMMY: And he just popped outta that crotch in the ground!
[Tommy starts shooting and everyone flees into another part of the structure.]
INT STRUCTURE-DEEP COMPOUND
RAPH: Did we lose him?
MIKE: We have to free Aeris and Kairi, guys!
CLOUD: Where are we?
[Suddenly lights begin to turn on and there before them is the most horrifying thing.]
RAPH: By all that is holy!
MIKE: This ain’t right!
CLOUD: What the hell!?
[They see Cloud standing in the middle of the dark room with light on him. He turns his head towards them.]
MIKE: Dude, it’s you!
CLOUD DUPLICATE: I am Cloud of Nine. Your persistence is juvenile!
FADE TO BLACK
EXT WOOD-THE CAGES
[Aeris and Kairi swing haplessly in the middle of the opening. Kairi is doing something and smiling while Aeris is still glaring at the screen.]
KAIRI: Look, Aeris! I made a paper frog! Now he’s going to go get us some help! [Drops the frog and stares at it for a moment.] Go on! Go get help! Go on!
[Claps her hands encouragingly.
Aeris just keeps staring.]
SCREAMING CLOUD LOGO
Thanks for stopping by and read to you all again soon!
~Timothy S Purvis
vvvvvvvvvThe original version of Episode VII vvvvvvvvvvv
I would appreciate if you have Kindle or even if you want some paperback goodies if you’d head on over to my page and maybe show me some love there. I mean, if you’ve been reading a while and see something you like, wouldn’t you like to have it in your personal library? I have some cool short stories available for cheap. Also Tales From A Strange Mind that collects my short stories (there’s also a Kindle edition but, for some reason, Amazon wouldn’t let me link them together) , Tales From A Strange Mind II which collects my old novellas, Red Star Sheriff (Which also has a Kindle edition but Amazon, am I right?) my first novel ever released, though, yes, it does have some grammatical errors and drags on for way too long, sigh. But I still love it and I will be writing a follow up sometime within the next few years. I have a collection of my poems called MisAligned: The Heart Waxes Poetic which collects my old poems but not some of my newer ones included those flash fictions! I’ll probably do that in the future as well. And if you love the perfectly inane, why not check out my Star Cloud scripts presented in book form? Star Cloud The Original Scripts. Another one where Amazon was being difficult with me in connecting the Kindle and PB versions. Still, the paperback they let me sale for cheap and it’s well worth a look if I say so myself. Or, if you don’t want to click on individual links (all of which will take you to my author’s page anyway), just click on my author’s page directly by tapping my name: Timothy S Purvis See for yourself what all I’ve published since I began this venture in 2016.
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