Welcome, Welcome, Welcome! I’m Timothy Scott Purvis and this is another week of Scripted Saturdays! This week’s offering is the first episode of season two of Star Cloud. What’s really interesting about this one, though, is that there was only supposed to be one season of Star Cloud. But, since it was taking me so long to write and put the sets together, it ended up being two seasons of nine episodes all together. So, this episode starts off the continuance of the series.
Honestly, I feel like the writing on this season got much better. Especially episode nine. I had a lot of fun with that one. Anyhow, this episode sees those pesky underwear gnomes wrecking further havoc on the MS Dorothy as well as an invasion by an old adversary.
“REVENGE OF THE TODD”
[Lightning from the core flashes menacingly as the Todd stands above the crew triumphant.]
CLOUD: Somebody do something!
LEO: Like what?
[Gnomes jump up and down on their backs and try to strangle them. Tifa kicks some off of her and goes to work freeing her colleagues.]
TIFA: There’s too many of them!
MIKE: Ah! One of ‘em is giving me a wedgy!
CLOUD: Mikey!? Where the hell’d you come from?!
MIKE: Well, when a mommy turtle and a daddy turtle really love one another they–
CLOUD: No! I mean just now! …retard!
MIKE: Oh… uh… well I was a little upset that I wasn’t in the last episode. So, I went to get Raph to see if he wanted a pizza. He was upset too cause he wasn’t in it either.
MIKE: Especially given even Irma had a bit role. But, you know, who wants to use the two most popular turtles–
CLOUD: [Taps his fingers.] Is this going somewhere?
A boom of lightning and laughter rolls out from the Todd.
MIKE: Oh… yeah… so we made this righteous pizza. When suddenly a whole horde of these thug gnomes barged into the lounge and started savagely beating up the tables. And we were like, dude! I mean, we’d just gotten the pizza ready. It was delicious looking too. If had anchovies, and spinach, and some seaweed chips, fried tomatoes, vinegar, ox nuggets, and brine shrimp eggs covered in feta and smothered in limburger cheese–
CLOUD: Mike! Two things. First, that is the sickest pizza I’ve ever heard of! And, by that, I mean gross! Second, will you hurry the fuck up!?
MIKE: Yeah… anyhow Raph pulls out this ray thing and shouts “Eat hot laser beam, cock bites!” and shoots. I don’t think it was a gun, cuz suddenly I was here. I think it had something to do with the transporter. I guess it was a private teleporter beacon.
CLOUD: …We have things like that?
CLOUD: So, where’s Raph?
MIKE: Uh… Search me dude.
CLOUD: I think the gnomes are doing that for me.
MIKE: [Screams as gnomes frisk his clothes.] Ahhhhhh!
INTERIOR FISH BOWL–LOCATION UNKNOWN
[Raph stares outward towards camera and then turns to the naked alien beside him.]
RAPH: Well, this is another fine mess you’ve gotten us into!
[The alien looks at him. Then a large child grabs the bowl and runs off with them.]
[The crew are having a tough time battling the gnomes.]
TIFA: We have to do something!
LEO: If only we knew what. The Todd must have a weakness.
TIFA: Like what?
CLOUD: If only you were your old self! We could shoot him with your rocket breasts!
[Gnomes jump up and down on Cloud. Tifa glares at him.]
TIFA: Hey! That’s enough of that!
LEO: That’s it! Tits!
TIFA: Uh… what?
LEO: [Pulls out a handheld unit punches keys.] It says here gnomes have a fear of small rodentia. Notably the titmouse.
MIKE: I thought a titmouse was a small bird, member of the Paridae family of avians including Chickadees. They own the name “tit” due to their being small, much like a mouse.
LEO: …Are you holding the information thing-a-ma-jig?
LEO: Then shut the fuck up!
MIKE: [Looks shocked.] Sheesh. What crawled up his ass? A micro gnome?
CLOUD: Yeah, I get that response around here a lot too. Hey! Is that Raph’s thing-a-ma-jigger!?
LEO: Anyhow, we just need to utilize the titmouse’s aggressive nature towards gnomes.
CLOUD: And how are we going to do that!? I don’t see any of your alleged “titmice” around!
MIKE: I see a mama booby bird!
CLOUD: [Smiles] Oh yeah!
TIFA: You two are about to get a knuckle sandwich!
LEO: [Shakes head.] That won’t be a problem, Captain.
[Leo pushes a button and a bunch of titmice beam in. The gnomes scream and flee. But the Todd holds his ground and hisses at the tit mice.]
TIFA: Now what?
LEO: [Hits another switch] Let’s see how he likes… a mega Tit mouse!
CLOUD: Woooa! What’s that like a double eeeeeekkk!!
MIKE: [Laughs heartily.] That’s really titular!
[Tifa looks at them like they’re morons. Cloud and Mike just laugh.]
CLOUD: Nah, that’s titillating Mike!
MIKE: I’d like to titillate something right now!
CLOUD: Oh yeah!
[Tifa glares maliciously. A maniacal gnome runs by and she kicks it at Cloud. It grapples Cloud’s face and the two roll around on the floor chaotically. Mike watches in horror.]
THE TODD: The Todd–fears no mouse! Prepare for the mouse ass kickin’ of the year! You have come to the right place for I have brought the cheese for your inevitable whine! It smells like limburger and it is what I am cooking!
[The mouse stands on its hind legs and they prepare for battle.]
LEO: I have no idea.
[Rogue and Gambit start chanting “Titmouse” and others join in.]
LEO: What the hell.
LEO/TIFA: Titmouse! Titmouse!
[The battle royale is on. Mike and Cloud sit at a table with headphones on and commentate on the action taking place.]
CLOUD: Welcome wrestle fans to Star Cloud Battlemania One. The first in an exciting array of testicular slugfests staged just for your amusement. And, I tell ya, this match has been in the making for a while.
MIKE: Yeah. The animosity between these two titans of terror is thick. It would take a pizza slicer to cut through it.
[A double ding sound emits.]
CLOUD: And there’s the bell. These two aren’t going to give each other any breathing room.
[The Todd flings himself at the titmouse.]
CLOUD: And the Todd does a flying double footed drop kick at titmouse but is swiftly countered.
MIKE: Amazing form on titmouse’s part.
CLOUD: Yes indeed.
[Tifa and Leo stare in disbelief.]
CLOUD: Ohhh! And the Todd has just bitten titmouse on the tit! That’s going to leave a mark!
MIKE: That’s one enraged rodentia!
CLOUD: I’ll tell ya, I haven’t seen anything that furry so angry since Tifa kicked me outta bed for playing a game of Clue. [Smiles.]
MIKE: Who did it?
CLOUD: Cloud Strife with the candle stick in the bedroom!
[Tifa glares at him.]
MIKE: Oh! The Todd is down and titmouse is climbing the ropes!
CLOUD: This could get ugly!
MIKE: Uglier than a pissed off Tifa?
CLOUD: Hmmm… now that’s a toss-up.
[Tifa picks up a chair and rushes over to Cloud and hits him with it. The two start wrestling as Mike stands up.]
MIKE: Wait… what’s this…?
CLOUD: Now Tifa… wait-a-minute!
[Cloud gets smacked with chair.]
MIKE: Tifa has joined the fray and is pummeling Cloud mercilessly! Titmouse has just gotten to the top of the ropes and is gaining his bearings! Oh, it is absolutely chaotic in engineering tonight!
[Tifa slams Cloud into the desk breaking it and then slings him into the ring as titmouse jumps.]
MIKEY: Titmouse is going, going… he’s off! Wait! Oh no!
[Titmouse lands on Cloud as he slides across the mat and into the Todd causing Todd to fly out of the ring.]
MIKEY: Cloud is out! Cloud is out!
[The ref counts him out as the Todd stumbles to his feet.]
MIKEY: Wait–what’s happening now? Tifa, Tifa is climbing the ropes and– she’s coming right for me! Duuuudd–
[Tifa slams her feet into Mike knocking him down. Leo chants “Tifa” as Yuffie picks up the headset.]
YUFFIE: This is Yuffie Kisargari taking over. Joining me is Donnie. Donnie, tell us, what do you make of this mayhem?
DONNIE: I think I’m not cleaning up this mess. …I also think this is one of the most sexist, redneck episodes of anything I’ve ever done.
YUFFIE: Oh no! The Todd is escaping!
DONNIE: Oh shit! Well that figures. All hell breaks loose and these lunatics decide to slug it out with each other!
YUFFIE: On the plus side, it looks like our winner’s Tifa!
[Bell double dings.]
DONNIE: …There’s a fucking surprise.
[The Todd rushes down a short corridor and looks around. He then darts into a small room nearby.]
[Soon a mysterious figure arrives.]
THE TODD: Well? Is everything as it should be?
FIGURE: Yes. All is going according to plan. They don’t suspect a thing. [Laughs maniacally.]
THE TODD: …What is with the deranged laughter!?
FIGURE: [Laughs maniacally.] Would you prefer a deranged bullet instead?
THE TODD: …Point taken.
FIGURE: Now focus on the task at hand and the master will reward you well.
TODD: Of course. [The figure leaves.] I should never have brought you aboard.
INT CAPTAIN’S QUARTERS
[Tifa and Cloud lie in bed together. They are relaxing after the chaos of earlier.]
TIFA: Who knew falsely named mice had such ravenous appetites for gnomes.
CLOUD: I’m just glad the damn things are gone! Course, getting rid of those so called titmice wasn’t easy. But that’s the way it goes.
TIFA: What are you talking about? Leo did all the work. And even then all he did was hit the delete key on that thing-a-ma-jig! What did you do? Stand there and scratch your ass!?
CLOUD: Hey! It wasn’t going to scratch itself!
[A knocking sound emanates.]
TIFA: What was that?
CLOUD: What was what?
TIFA: That sound.
CLOUD: What sound?
TIFA: …I don’t hear anything.
CLOUD: Yeah. That’s what I figured.
TIFA: You now, you’re insufferable sometimes.
CLOUD: Only sometimes?
TIFA: [Grins] You have your moments. [Leans in to kiss Cloud. Knock again.] There it is again!
CLOUD: What!? There’s nothing there! Just a figment of your overactive imagination. Say, you wanna play Clue? You can be Ms. Scarlet!
TIFA: And I suppose you’ll be Proud Clod?
CLOUD: [Smiles.] Only if you want me to be! I’ll do my best… robot impression.
[He starts doing the robot and Tifa laughs. Then the knock sounds again and Cloud gets exasperated. He stands up.]
CLOUD: All right, fine! I guess it’s time to let the muppet outta the closet!
TIFA: [Smiles at first.] Yeah… uh… what?
[Cloud wanders over to a closet door and pushes a button. The door slides open to reveal Bert in a wheelchair.]
TIFA: [Rushes over.] Cloud! Why is there a muppet in your closet!?
CLOUD: Well where else was I supposed to put him!?
TIFA: I don’t believe you…
BERT: [Rolls out of the closet.] It’s all right, young lady. My time in the closet gave me insight into myself and who I must be. [Flashback] When I awoke, I found myself surrounded by darkness.
[Glowing white eyes and a radioactive nose look through the dark. A deep breathing resonates with fear.]
BERT: I wasn’t sure where I was or how I had gotten there but I had vague recollections of a past I barely remembered.
[Vague collection of Bert and Ernie’s fiasco in a transparent collage.]
BERT: Then I felt the ship shudder and a wave of energy flowed across me endowing my mind with phenomenal abilities of telepathy and telekinesis. I saw things. Frightening things. So I practiced as much as possible with my new found abilities and forged myself into the muppet you see before you today.
TIFA: So, the distortion wave gave you powers? Why didn’t we get any?
BERT: [Sighs.] The truth is a terrible secret that only muppets hold. I cannot tell you any more than that. Suffice it to say, muppets are special.
TIFA: Oh. …How did you eat? Hasn’t it been like months since that distortion wave?
BERT: Telepathic and subtle manipulations of Cloud. Because elsewise he would’ve forgotten me.
CLOUD: Hey! That’s not true! My mind’s as sharp as a– oh hey a tack.
BERT: Caution, my crewmen! I sense that evil is afoot!
CLOUD: [Screams.] Where!? I didn’t step in any did I?!
[Lights and sirens blare.]
COMPUTER: Intruder alert. Intruder alert.
CLOUD: I bet you’d like your old job back!
BERT: Nope. That’s all right.
CLOUD: …To the bridge!
[Points finger up to the ceiling. Looks at Bert.]
No seriously if you want the job back–
BERT: Nope. I’m good.
INT BULK HEAD ENTRANCE
[Debris litters the corridor where some entities have pushed their way aboard. The leader looks around defiantly.]
TODD: Master, everything is as you wished.
ER2NI2: Ah excellent. And what of our “delivery boy”?
TODD: …Workin’ on delivering the crew as we speak.
ER2NI2: Yes. Soon. Soon Cloud will fall before me and I will have back that which was taken from me.
[They laugh and a bunch of gnomes burst through the entryway down the corridor.]
[Cloud, Tifa, and Bert join Mike, Leo, and Don along with April, Gambit, and Rogue on the bridge.]
CLOUD: Good–we’re all here!
VOICE: Excuse me.
[Cloud looks at a girl standing shyly to the side.]
CLOUD: Uh… Who the hell are you?
GIRL: I’m Kairi, the new intern!
CLOUD: [Looks at Tifa.] This ship has interns?
TIFA: Don’t look at me. My job is just to figure out if you all are nuts and, welp, you’re all nuts!
CLOUD: A lot of help you are!
LEO: Has anyone seen Raph?
CLOUD/MIKE: Heeeelllooooo Nurse!
[Tifa glares at them and Leo shakes his head. Suddenly maniacal laughter fills the room and Cloud finds a gun pointed at his head.]
ARMORED DUDE: Now I have you right where I can find you! In my crosshairs, dead to rights! [Maniacal laughter.]
LEO: Look, if this is about my Xbox Live subscription–
ARMORED DUDE: Bah! I am the infamous bounty hunter, Betty! And I’ve come for your head, Cloud! [Maniacal laughter.]
Cloud raises his arms and screams.
FADE TO BLACK
INT BRIDGE–POST CREDITS
[Cloud still has his arms raised when Kairi walks beside him and smiles sweetly.]
KAIRI: You make me feel simple and clean! [Smiles with a tinkle.]
CLOUD: What the hell!?
Thanks for stopping by and read to you all again soon!
~Timothy S Purvis
vvvvvvvvvThe original version of Episode VI vvvvvvvvvvv
SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION STARTS!
I would appreciate if you have Kindle or even if you want some paperback goodies if you’d head on over to my page and maybe show me some love there. I mean, if you’ve been reading a while and see something you like, wouldn’t you like to have it in your personal library? I have some cool short stories available for cheap. Also Tales From A Strange Mind that collects my short stories (there’s also a Kindle edition but, for some reason, Amazon wouldn’t let me link them together) , Tales From A Strange Mind II which collects my old novellas, Red Star Sheriff (Which also has a Kindle edition but Amazon, am I right?) my first novel ever released, though, yes, it does have some grammatical errors and drags on for way too long, sigh. But I still love it and I will be writing a follow up sometime within the next few years. I have a collection of my poems called MisAligned: The Heart Waxes Poetic which collects my old poems but not some of my newer ones included those flash fictions! I’ll probably do that in the future as well. And if you love the perfectly inane, why not check out my Star Cloud scripts presented in book form? Star Cloud The Original Scripts. Another one where Amazon was being difficult with me in connecting the Kindle and PB versions. Still, the paperback they let me sale for cheap and it’s well worth a look if I say so myself. Or, if you don’t want to click on individual links (all of which will take you to my author’s page anyway), just click on my author’s page directly by tapping my name: Timothy S Purvis See for yourself what all I’ve published since I began this venture in 2016.
I mean, if you like my work, of course. No pressure. Just trying to find my way in this world without working menial tasks and suffering physical and mental issues as a result. If only I could merely stay home and write. That would be my most epic fantasy brought to life. Well, if you don’t want to do that, you could also donate to my cause down below after all is said and done. It would help. You know, if you liked what you saw and all. Up to you. I don’t have a lot of reviews on my materials because of low sales. I mean, very, very low sales. In the single digits. Right now, I have to rely on Pubby for reviews and those people only read your synopsis and recap it for a five star review. I want honest opinions. Not mean ones, but honest. So, if you ever find yourself buying some of my work, I’d certainly appreciate some feedback. Again, up to you.Also, I’m selling my work for cheap over at Smashwords.com! Check out that page here: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/TSPurvis
Also, I’m selling my work for cheap over at Smashwords.com! Check out that page here: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/TSPurvis
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