Greetings and salutations, faithful followers of this blog! I’m Timothy Scott Purvis and this is yet another offering of Scripted Saturdays! This episode is from my first season of Star Cloud, a stop motion animated series posted to YouTube! Episode V is all about the starship MS Dorothy being overrun by underwear gnomes due to an unfortunate incident involving the kidnapping of some fat child from a small town on a backward out in the middle of nowhere planet.
“CURSE OF THE UNDERWEAR GNOMES”
EXT SPACE–MS DOROTHY
[The MS DOROTHY goes about its mission. In the background, an Earth-like globe gets smaller as the ship leaves its orbit.]
[On the bridge Cloud sits in the command chair giving his usual log.]
CLOUD: [Kirk VO] Here we are… again… leaving orbit of a strange world inhabited by semi-intelligent beings bent on their own destruction. After having masqueraded as a quasi-intelligent race of extraterrestrial beings, based on their nocturnal fears, we feel confident that the mission was a success.
[Cloud looks to Leo]
CLOUD: Commander, how does the science look on the data we– What the hell is that!?
LEO: What’s what, sir?
[Cloud wanders over to a wall at the other side of the bridge.]
CLOUD: Why is there a crack in the wall!? What kind of shoddy construction is this!? Do you people want us to blown into space!?
[Leo walks over beside him. Cloud looks through a crack in the wall surrounding the main viewscreen. We see Cloud’s face from the view on the other side of the crack. Light filters in from behind him.]
CLOUD: There are people out there!! And they’re, they’re cleaning! You idiots aren’t wearing suits!!
[We see stunned workers staring at Cloud.]
LEO: Uh… Cloud… we’re still filming.
CLOUD: [Looks at the whispering Leo.] What the hell are you talking about!?
LEO: …You do realize this is a show, right?
CLOUD: A show!?
LEO: Well, technically an animated sketch on YouTube.
CLOUD: Yooo hooo?
CLOUD: Who tubed?
CLOUD: I didn’t tube anything!
LEO: No. YouTube. It’s an online community where people share their videos and oddities.
CLOUD: Videos and oddities?
LEO: You’d fall into the latter. If you remember the Creator even told you that you were a figment of his imagination. Which would make us inanimate actors.
CLOUD: What!? I just thought he was some nut job with a god complex.
LEO: He is. That and has a really bizarre sense of humor. And his writing skills are atrocious. Just consider our dialogue. Who talks like this?
CLOUD: What do you mean?
LEO: I’m trying to convince you that you’re not really on a starship. That you don’t really exist. And that all this dialogue is contrived. This crack in the wall? It’s a testament to hurried set construction. We’re filming right now. Everything is part of the skit.
LEO: Yes. You exist for people’s entertainment. There’s the camera.
[Points at lens which happens to be where the viewer is watching them from.]
CLOUD: People are entertained by me?
LEO: Or wondering why they’re wasting their time with this.
CLOUD: What sick bastards are watching me now!? Are you happy!? Does it amuse you that I exist as a puppet for your entertainment!?
[Taps camera lens, his fist in the viewer’s face.]
CLOUD: How long has this been going on?
LEO: Since your inception.
CLOUD: …You mean to tell me… my mom was a porn star?
LEO: No… no she wasn’t…
CLOUD: How do you know!? I’ve been entertaining people since my inception!
[Leo slaps his face.]
CLOUD: What else don’t I know!?
LEO: Apparently a lot.
INT CAPTAIN’S QUARTERS
[Tifa is looking through drawers trying to find something. She seems puzzled as she slams the dresser drawers.]
TIFA: That is really odd. Where did all my underwear go? …I swear, Cloud had better not be wearing them again! Of course, that really doesn’t explain where the rest went.
[Looks into drawer. We see her face from perspective inside the drawer.]
TIFA: Oh well. I guess I can skip wearing them for one day.
INT YUFFIE’S BEDROOM
[Yuffie cowers on her bed in terror as shadows play across her body leaving the room. A song is being sung as she watches aghast.]
YUFFIE: What the hell are you!? What do you want with my… underwear!!?
[She screams in terror as the view turns blood red and she raises her hand in defense. The shadow approaches her as it wants her underwear.]
INT DINING LOUNGE / MEETING ROOM
[Leo shows Cloud some details on a monitor explaining to him how he is actually just a toy.]
LEO: And here you see a youtuber playing with you and making you sound gay.
CLOUD: My voice is not that high!
LEO: Uh-huh. And here’s another video of interest…
CLOUD: What was that big wooden thing?
LEO: …I’m not exactly certain. Anyway, if we ebay your name… here we go.
CLOUD: [Screams.] Wait! I’m no toy! It says right there “ACT-ION FIGURE”! And eight inches too! [Smiles.]
LEO: That’s referring to your actual height, Captain.
CLOUD: …When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you! [Shakes fist.]
[A bald dude walks in.]
CLOUD: Look! It’s a random bald-dude!
BALD-DUDE: Uh… thanks… captain?
LEO: What is it lieutenant?
BALD-DUDE: [Stares at Cloud then looks to Leo.] Sir! We’ve been having unconfirmed reports of missing underwear amongst the crew.
LEO: Missing underwear? Why are you bothering me with this? Why not ask the laundry lady what’s happening to them?
BALD-DUDE: I did, sir. She said… it’s a ship-wide crisis.
[Tifa walks in with a visibly shaken Yuffie.]
TIFA: Cloud… we have a problem.
CLOUD: What’d I do now?
TIFA: Nothing. I don’t think. Why, should I be on the lookout?
CLOUD: …If you don’t have anything. Neither do I.
TIFA: Right. Anyhow… do you know what happened to my underwear?
[Comes close to Cloud and almost whispers.]
CLOUD: Oh no, not you too! This whole ship has somehow managed to misplace their underwear!? This is embarrassing.
YUFFIE: …It’s… it’s the gnomes…
CLOUD: …What the hell are you talking about!?
YUFFIE: They… they took my underwear… all of them…
TIFA: The whole ship is having problems? I don’t know about gnomes, but maybe something’s going on in laundry? Of course, I did have a whole drawer full that disappeared. But I can’t find any… I… I had to go… commando.
[Leo smiles and Cloud looks at her waist.]
CLOUD: You’re not wearing any underwear?
TIFA: …no. I just told you–
CLOUD: [Inches closer] Can I… see?
TIFA: …Cloud, you’ve seen me without my underwear before.
CLOUD: Yeah, I know. But this time it’s exciting!
[Tifa looks shocked and then glares at him as if she wants to kill him.]
CLOUD: Because you did have them but now they’re missing! And now everyone knows… that… you’ve not wearing… What?
TIFA: I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that!! [Walks over to Yuffie who is balled up on the floor] Besides, poor Yuffie here saw something traumatic…
CLOUD: Did she look in the mirror?
TIFA: …Well aren’t you Mr. Sympathetic today!
CLOUD: I am pretty sympathetic, aren’t I? Look we were just going over how I am not a toy when all this underwear business got flung in. The fact is, Leo, I am NOT a toy…
[Singing starts as some strange creatures walk into the room. Yuffie’s eyes go wide as the gnomes bring in a ladder and climb up to Cloud’s waist level. Cloud keeps looking at Leo while everyone else is staring at the singing gnomes.]
…And furthermore, I resent people plastering my likeness all over YouTube and E-bay! Don’t they realize I am intellectual property!?
[The gnomes snag Cloud’s underwear.]
YUFFIE: Oh god! They’re doing it again! Why are they torturing me!?
[The underwear gnomes leave the room as everyone stares in horror. Save for Cloud.]
CLOUD: Yuffie, if you keep it up, I’m throwing you off the ship! …Is it getting drafty in here?
TIFA: Holy shit! They are real!
LEO: Captain, didn’t you feel those gnomes steal your underwear?
CLOUD: …What are you talking about?
LEO: The group of tiny yellow men who brought in a ladder, scaled your waist, and snatched the underwear out from inside your pants.
CLOUD: …What is with you people!?
LEO: Fine. I’ll prove it to you.
[Leo plays video footage back showing the gnomes enter the room and snag Cloud’s undies.]
CLOUD: …What the hell!?
TIFA: Where the hell’d we pick up underwear gnomes!?
YUFFIE: …they’re coming to get us!
[Cloud and Leo stare at each other silently.]
EXT SOUTH PARK–BUS STOP
[A fat kid approaches three young boys and starts speaking almost sing song.]
CARTMAN: Hey you guys! Last night I had a dream that visitors came down to abduct me and give me an anal probe, but I got them back by secretly sneaking underwear gnomes onto their ship! Ha Ha Ha!!
INT SHIP–MEETING ROOM
CLOUD: That fat bastard!
LEO: I told you impersonating aliens was a bad idea!
CLOUD: This is all Carl’s fault!
LEO: Bad, Carl, bad!
[Everyone looks to the end of the room where an alien stands looking nonplussed. He has black eyes and greenish grey flesh and looks like a cartoon vs the crew’s action figure features.]
EVERYONE: Yeah, Carl!
CARL THE ALIEN: Oh, sorry, guys. My bad.
TIFA: So, why’d you abduct some fat kid?
INT SHIP–ABDUCTION NIGHT
[‘Aliens’ drag Cartman down the halls as he claws the floor.]
[And once he’s on the table they give him an anal probe. Cloud pulls a rubber glove on. Both he and Leo are wearing alien masks.]
INT MEETING ROOM
CLOUD: That’s the last time I give an anal probe to that pudgy bastard!
[Everyone looks at him.]
TIFA: Why were you guys giving an anal probe to the fat kid?
[Cloud and Leo look at each other.]
CLOUD: …It’s… complicated.
LEO: …Scientific stuff.
[Tifa blinks at them but doesn’t say anything.]
INT IRMA’S ROOM
[Irma chases a gnome with a broom and swipes as hard as she can but it just keeps evading her.]
IRMA: Come back here, you little pervert!!
[People flee the singing underwear gnomes.
At the end of the hall, turbo lift doors open up to reveal Cloud, Tifa, Leo, and Yuffie. They witness the carnage and all seem concerned. Then Cloud says something that will be bleeped all to shit. Because it’s funny.]
CLOUD: [All of this is bleeped] Ah fuck my fuckin’ goddamn cunt lovin’ shit whore from pussy lickin’ mother fucking dick headed lesbianopolis! Fuck fuck fuck!
TIFA: …Do you have any idea what the hell you just said!?
CLOUD: Not really. I couldn’t hear myself for all the beeping.
LEO: Let’s hurry on. We have to find where these gnomes are hiding the underwear and find a way to get rid of them.
CLOUD: You want to get rid of the underwear?
LEO: No, Cloud, the gnomes.
YUFFIE: Tifa, what’s a [bleeped] cunt lovin’ shit whore?
TIFA: You know, Yuffie, I have absolutely no idea.
[They exit the turbolift and start down the hall.]
[Donnie is frantic as Leo and everyone enters.]
DONNIE: Cloud! Leo! We have a gnome infestation!
CLOUD: Is that what this is? I hadn’t noticed.
LEO: Captain! Look! They’re using our underwear as a breeding ground for infant gnomes!
TIFA / YUFFIE: Ewww!!
CLOUD: Good gravy![Everyone stares at him.] So, what do we do?
[Gnomes start crawling in and out of the huge pile of underwear covering the ship’s energy core.]
DONNIE: Whatever we do, we have to do it fast because that pile of infested underwear is draining the energy from the core and if it continues unabated, this ship will explode!
CLOUD: Ok. Here’s a question. How in the hell did you let a bunch of gnomes pile up that heap of underwear over the ship’s core?! Did you not notice the little yellow men stockpiling undergarments in a massive heap!?
DONNIE: Well. I went to get some lunch with Irma.
CLOUD: Well, where was everyone else!?
DONNIE: We kinda all went… together.
CLOUD: All right! New rule! There is to be someone in engineering on duty at all times!
DONNIE: Even for birthday and pizza parties!?
CLOUD: Yes! Even birthday and pizza parties! The entire ship doesn’t need to be there!
[Leo and Tifa look to one another.]
LEO: Did he just say something… captainy?
TIFA: Yeah. He did. I’m stunned too.
[They all witness something happening in the pile of underwear.]
DONNIE: Something’s happening. What’s that coming out of the underwear?
CLOUD: You mean aside from the legion of terror?
LEO: No, he’s right… it’s different.
CLOUD: What’s different?
TIFA: That… what is that?
[They see a being coming forth and a bright light is filling the room.]
YUFFIE: Oh my god! It’s, it’s terrible! I’m going back to my room!
[Yuffie leaves very quickly.]
DONNIE: So that’s how they’re going to destroy us!
LEO: He is arrived.
[A figure larger than the other gnomes arises out of the underwear and steps forward.]
FIGURE: I… am the Todd. You will kneel before Todd.
[Cloud turns towards Todd suddenly like a drama prairie dog and opens his mouth to scream.]
[Donnie shakes his head slowly.]
DONNIE: Just as I feared. Begun the gnome wars has.
[Close up of Cloud as he screams in terror.]
INT YUFFIE’S BEDROOM
[She sees a helmet on her bed and picks it up.]
YUFFIE: Huh? Wonder what this is?
[She puts the helmet on.]
YUFFIE: Just a helmet. Unh…
[Suddenly her voices changes to a more menacing tone.]
EVIL YUFFIE: Yes, yes, finally! Soon all will tremble before me!
[Laughs maniacally and then returns to normal.]
YUFFIE: Wooa. That was weird. Oh well. Man am I hungry.
SCREAMING CLOUD LOGO
Thanks for stopping by and read to you all again soon!
~Timothy S Purvis
vvvvvvvvvThe original version of Episode V vvvvvvvvvvv
SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION STARTS!
I would appreciate if you have Kindle or even if you want some paperback goodies if you’d head on over to my page and maybe show me some love there. I mean, if you’ve been reading a while and see something you like, wouldn’t you like to have it in your personal library? I have some cool short stories available for cheap. Also Tales From A Strange Mind that collects my short stories (there’s also a Kindle edition but, for some reason, Amazon wouldn’t let me link them together) , Tales From A Strange Mind II which collects my old novellas, Red Star Sheriff (Which also has a Kindle edition but Amazon, am I right?) my first novel ever released, though, yes, it does have some grammatical errors and drags on for way too long, sigh. But I still love it and I will be writing a follow up sometime within the next few years. I have a collection of my poems called MisAligned: The Heart Waxes Poetic which collects my old poems but not some of my newer ones included those flash fictions! I’ll probably do that in the future as well. And if you love the perfectly inane, why not check out my Star Cloud scripts presented in book form? Star Cloud The Original Scripts. Another one where Amazon was being difficult with me in connecting the Kindle and PB versions. Still, the paperback they let me sale for cheap and it’s well worth a look if I say so myself. Or, if you don’t want to click on individual links (all of which will take you to my author’s page anyway), just click on my author’s page directly by tapping my name: Timothy S Purvis See for yourself what all I’ve published since I began this venture in 2016.
I mean, if you like my work, of course. No pressure. Just trying to find my way in this world without working menial tasks and suffering physical and mental issues as a result. If only I could merely stay home and write. That would be my most epic fantasy brought to life. Well, if you don’t want to do that, you could also donate to my cause down below after all is said and done. It would help. You know, if you liked what you saw and all. Up to you. I don’t have a lot of reviews on my materials because of low sales. I mean, very, very low sales. In the single digits. Right now, I have to rely on Pubby for reviews and those people only read your synopsis and recap it for a five star review. I want honest opinions. Not mean ones, but honest. So, if you ever find yourself buying some of my work, I’d certainly appreciate some feedback. Again, up to you.
Also, I’m selling my work for cheap over at Smashwords.com! Check out that page here: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/TSPurvis
~Timothy S Purvis
Make a one-time donation
Make a monthly donation
Make a yearly donation
Choose an amount
Or enter a custom amount
Your contribution is appreciated.
Your contribution is appreciated.
Your contribution is appreciated.DonateDonate monthlyDonate yearly