Greetings and salutations, faithful followers of this blog! I’m Timothy Scott Purvis and this is Scripted Saturdays! The day I post up my old scripts and share my stories that are of the dialogue based equation. I try to put these up every Saturday, but there may be times when I’m unable to. In which case, they’ll show up the next week.
This episode is one of my favorites. A little more vulgar, a lot more immature, but fucking funny to me. I loved how I recorded it too! Oh, those were the days. Anyhow, hope you enjoy and thanks for stopping by!
“PROJECT: OFF THE DEEP END”
EXT SPACE–MS DOROTHY
[The MS Dorothy flies through space at break neck speeds.]
[The crew go about their daily lives while Cloud sits in the Captain’s chair. In his best Kirk impersonation, he is giving the day’s log.]
CLOUD: [Kirk voice] Stardate 102475, we are on our way to the outer regions of sector seven in the Nihelios System. We expect to find… something of consequence after a prolonged three-week layover at Star Station Dy Gres. For some unknown reason, I feel like we got sidetracked on our ongoing mission to boldly go.
APRIL: Captain, picking up an …unusual transmission.
CLOUD: You do that a lot, don’t you?
APRIL: Sir, that’s what I get paid to do.
CLOUD: Do I even need to say put it on screen?
APRIL: No, sir. Putting transmission on screen.
[Gambit-Sulu looks at Rogue]
GAMBIT-SULU: This had better not be another one of his pornos.
ROGUE: God I hope not. The last one was a complete waste of time. I mean, who comes up with that crap?
[He looks at her with a strained expression. Seconds later, an image comes on screen. It is the image of a human looking person.]
IMAGE: Oh… hello.
CLOUD: Who the hell are you?
IMAGE: I… am the Creator.
CLOUD: The Creator? Well, isn’t that special. What do you create?
CREATOR: All that you know.
CREATOR: I am your Creator, Cloud. Well, more precisely, I am that entity which dictates the direction of your everlasting existence. At least… in this state.
ROGUE: Am I to take it that you mean to say you determine everything that goes on in our lives?
CREATOR: Absolutely. I am the Creator. I script your every moment, your every thought. I give life to the words of your life.
GAMBIT-SULU: Very poetic.
ROGUE: Oh yeah? What did I do last night?
CREATOR: Nothing much.
ROGUE: Fair enough.
GAMBIT-SULU: Wait, but you said…
ROGUE: I say a lot of things.
CLOUD: So, what does the Creator want with us?
CREATOR: I want you to entertain me!
ROGUE: Funny thought… If ya’ll the Creator, and, indeed, ya create every instant of our daily lives… does that therefore imply that you wrote this entire scenario? Which would mean you wrote yourself having a conversation with figments of your imagination.
ROGUE: Uh-huh. So, then you’re having a conversation with yourself?
CREATOR: Well, yes and no. You see I know what you are going to say, however, the conversation we our having is one I thought of months ago! So, I cannot be conversating with myself if this is a re-enactment of that thought!
TIFA: Yeah, and on that note. I’m leaving.
[Cloud stares in wonder.]
CLOUD: All right. Since you’re the Creator, tell me, what’s with all the muppets?
CREATOR: Well, everyone likes muppets.
CLOUD: But they’re hostile muppets!
CREATOR: Still muppets.
GAMBIT-SULU: But how can you be making me think something that I am thinking to myself?
CREATOR: You are a bunch of toy action figures that I am animating for my amusement! See!!
[The Creator whips out a few toys of Cloud and everyone and starts acting out the Spaceballs toy scene of Dark Helmet. Cloud is touching Rogue. “OH your helmet is so big!”
Rogue stares in horror while Cloud stands up and screams.]
CLOUD: Turn it off! Turn it off! For the love of God turn it off!
GAMBIT-SULU: I’m trying to, sir! But, but! It’s out of order!
CLOUD: Out of Order!? Fuck! Even in the future nothing works!
[Runs off bridge towards screen as Creator plays with dolls.]
INT TEN FORWARD LOUNGE
[Mikey is drinking and belching. Cloud walks in and finds him at the table and goes over to him. Raph is nearby with his new nurse, Nurse Rinoa who he insists should call him “Pooh.”]
CLOUD: Heh. Good one. I’ll tell ya, that Creator is one freaky dude.
CLOUD: Yeah. He thinks he created us.
MIKE: Then he must be one messed up dude.
CLOUD: Yeah! Wait…
[Mikey belches. Cloud is sitting across from him and stares for a moment.]
CLOUD: …I can top that.
[He belches prompting a glare from Mikey.]
MIKE: Oh yeah? Bring it bitch!
[They take turns belching for several more moments. It gets serious and both stand up going for volume. Then Cloud lets out an enormous belch which is halted halfway through by his lung flying out of his mouth. Mikey stares in horror as does everyone else in the room.]
MIKE: Dude!! You belched up a lung!
CLOUD: Ohba noba! Whabba dobba ah dobba!?
[Raph and his nurse wonder over to the area.]
RAPH: By all that is holy, Cloud! What have you done!? Nurse Rinoa, we’re going to need… the iron lung!
NURSE RINOA: Yes, sir!
RAPH: How many times must I tell ya, nurse!? Call me “Pooh”!
NURSE RINOA: Uhm… yes, sir… uh… Pooh, …sir.
[Someone rushes in with a gurney and tosses Cloud’s lung on it and rushes out. Cloud stares in horror.]
INT MEDICAL FACILITIES
[Leo and Tifa stand staring within the doorway to the emergency room.]
TIFA: I… I just don’t believe this.
LEO: …You have my sympathies.
[Cloud lays within a giant metal contraption that makes his breathing sound metallic. Cloud sees Mike enter the room and smiles.]
CLOUD: Mi… key. Mi… i… key.
MIKE: Cloud… Dude, I, I’m sorry. This is all my fault.
CLOUD: No… no… do not… blame yourself. Th, there’s something I… I must tell you…
MIKE: What is it, dude?
CLOUD: Mi… key… if, if I don’t…make it…you, you should know…
MIKE: What? What do you want me to know?
CLOUD: …Come… closer… Mi… key.
MIKE: [Comes closer.] I’m here, dude. I’m here.
CLOUD: Mike… y… I… I… I AM YOUR FATHER!!
MIKE: [Jumps back in shock and screams.] Dude, not cool!! But totally righteous! Ya got me!
[On the other side of the room Leo shakes his head as Tifa rolls her eyes.]
LEO: I swear, the two of them are on crack.
TIFA: I could’ve told you that.
LEO: Is he really? I was just joking!
TIFA: No, I… oh never mind! You’re all nuts!
[She leaves the room in a huff leaving Leo to just stare.]
INT ENGINE ROOM
[Irma stands before the main core. She seems ready to turn it off but also appears uncertain. She reaches tentatively for the control lever. A voice calls out from behind her.]
VOICE: Irma please. Don’t. We’ve done everything we could…to make you part of the crew.
IRMA: [Turns to see Donnie] Donnie… I… I’m sorry. I’m not what you think.
DONNIE: [Draws closer.] I know…everything.
IRMA: [Gasps] You do?
DONNIE: [Walks to her dramatically] Yes. We’ve known about your… master.
IRMA: [Turns away] But Donnie, I…
DONNIE: [Turns her around to her.] Irma don’t say another word. I know it wasn’t your fault. But together, we can fight him. This is your home now.
IRMA: [Draws away and puts hand to forehead] I can’t. It’s too late for me now.
DONNIE: No! It’s never too late! Come to me now! Please!
IRMA: [Draws into Donnie’s arms] Oh, Donnie!
DONNIE: Oh, Irma…
[They draw closer to kiss dramatically when suddenly the image changes.]
INT MEDICAL FACILITIES
[Cloud lies in bed watching a viewscreen on the wall across from him. He’s looking for some entertainment and keeps channel flipping.]
CLOUD: Boring! What else is on?
[A channel flips over to Gambit and Rogue doin’ it.]
CLOUD: Oh yeah!
LEO: Captain, will you please stop playing with the security camera.
RAPH: [Enters room.] Cloud, congratulations, you’re in luck.
CLOUD: I am?
RAPH: Yes, we found you a new lung.
CLOUD: Found… me a new lung? How do you “find” a lung?
RAPH: Simple. We took samples of your DNA and cloned a new one.
CLOUD: Really? I didn’t know you could do that.
RAPH: Oh yes. Absolutely. Of course, there were a few complications.
RAPH: Nothing we couldn’t handle.
[A second Cloud bursts out of the emergency room. He is holding his throat acting like he can’t breathe and falls down. Rinoa and two others go to pick up the body and remove it to the other room.]
CLOUD: What the hell was that!?
RAPH: Nothing. Look, the important thing is, you can breathe again.
CLOUD: …Didn’t I have a second lung for that?
RAPH: Are you a doctor?
RAPH: Then shut the fuck up and leave the doctoring to me!
CLOUD: Ok! Ok!
INT DARK ROOM
[Irma enters the room and turns on the hologram. She breathes in and paces herself. Her master’s image appears.]
ER2NI2: Ah, excellent. I look forward to your status–
IRMA: Master… I’m sorry. I… I can’t…
ER2NI2: Can’t what? Have you not completed your mission?
IRMA: I can’t do it, master. I can’t complete the mission.
ER2NI2: Why can’t you?
IRMA: I’ve fallen in love with… Donnie.
ER2NI2: In two days!? You worthless corpse! What do you mean you’ve fallen in love!? What do you think you’re going to do with a turtle!? How can he satisfy you? Twirl you on his bo-staff? At least I am programmed with 100 different positions and modes of pleasure.
IRMA: I know, master. And… I’m sorry. [She reaches for the hologram off switch.]
[The view disappears.]
INT TEN FORWARD
[Tifa watches the crew welcoming Irma to the ship.]
LEO: I would just like to say, welcome aboard!
MIKE: Yay! Irma!
[Cloud walks up beside Tifa.]
TIFA: Wasn’t everyone shittin’ their britches not even two days ago about her being on board?
CLOUD: Oh yeah. And the laundry lady still isn’t done washing our pants over it! I’ll tell you, she can really throw a bitch!
TIFA: …Let me rephrase that. Wasn’t she just considered our enemy? I mean, what the hell happened to that!?
CLOUD: Hmm. She never really did anything evil. She didn’t shut down the engine… so… no problem.
TIFA: Yeah, because Donnie stopped her! Besides, I have my reservations. I’m still baffled over why the computer was recording me in the shower.
CLOUD: How did you know about–
TIFA: [Glares at Cloud] …The computer monitor was stuck in a feedback.
CLOUD: [Whistles innocently.]
TIFA: Never mind! All right, what about the fact she’s a walking corpse!? At what point do you suppose she starts decomposing!?
CLOUD: [Stares.] You’re so observant. Hey, I have a new job for you.
TIFA: …Okkaayyyy… What’s that?
CLOUD: The voice of reason.
TIFA: Have anything a little less impossible?
CLOUD: No, that’s it! You’re the new ship’s councilor!
TIFA: Eh… I think I should retire now while I’m ahead.
CLOUD: No, you were a head. Now you’re a whole.
TIFA: …I’m sorry–What!?
CLOUD: Remember being a headless corpse? Well, now you’re complete!
TIFA: … [Walks away.]
CLOUD: You’re beautiful when you think I’m an idiot!
TIFA: [Calls back from OS.] Then I must be always beautiful.
CLOUD: [Laughs.] Wait a minute.
[Cloud walks down the hall innocently.]
CLOUD: Whew. Just walking down the hall. Nothing unusual about that. No random battles or anything like–
EXT DRESSER TOP
[The view shifts to a battle on a massive dresser top. A girl fights with Cloud who suddenly has his friends with him. Each have an attack screen for options.
Mysterious Ninja girl attacks and takes 69 Hit points off of Cloud.]
Stand Idly By
Chooses to: stand Idly By.
[Tifa is up next.]
Final Smack Down
What the @#^$ Am I Doin’ Here!?
Yell At Cloud
Stomp Foot Incessantly
Chooses: What the @#^$ Am I Doin’ Here!?
Hide In Shell
Chooses: Shout, “Dude!”
[Mysterious Ninja Girl attacks Tifa. Kisses her and takes off 69 HP.]
Say “Oh yeah!”
Let Loose Scream
Chooses: Say “Oh yeah!”
Wipe Mouth in Disgust
Guard Against Further Assaults
Call For Backup
Chooses: Wipe Mouth in Disgust
Ninja Kick The Damn Rabbit
Shout “Wooa Righteous!”
Summon Drunken Rat
Chooses: Summon Drunken Rat
[Splinter comes out and slowly approaches Mysterious Ninja Girl like a tonberry. Carries a teriyaki bottle in hand like a lantern. Pukes on girl’s shoes.]
MYSTERIOUS NINJA: EWWWW!!!
[Summons sudden wind.
2 HP comes off of everyone. Tifa’s limit gauge flies up just before Cloud’s.]
Become Pissed Off Girlfriend
Drop kick Mysterious Ninja Girl
Chooses: Bust-a-lip and unleashes a flurry of fist swipes against Mysterious Ninja Girl.
[Cloud is up next.]
Chooses: Limit Break.
[Unleashes Rapid Raving Tickler attack and tickles Mysterious Ninja Girl into submission.
Battle ends with the three in battle stance and Mysterious Ninja Girl on her duff.]
[Back in regular hallway.]
MYSTERIOUS NINJA: You Spikey headed jerk! You want a piece-o-me!? Try me without your enraged girlfriend!
Alright, let’s dance
Did you say something?
After you get on your knees
Chooses: Did you say something?
[She stands up and stares him down.]
MYSTERIOUS NINJA: Don’t pretend like you didn’t hear me! I’ll bet you’re terrified of my very presence aren’t you!?
I need new drawers
I’m hungry, wonder what’s for dinner?
…Great another scary female
What ship am I on again?
Chooses: …Great another scary female.
[She starts to walk down the hall.]
MYSTERIOUS NINJA: That’s it, I’m leaving this joint! I’m serious!
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out
Look, I think I’m gonna regret this…
Have you seen my girlfriend’s shower footage?
Chooses: Look, I think I’m gonna regret this…
[She turns back at him and smiles.]
MYSTERIOUS NINJA: I’ll bet you want ME to join your crew! Right?
I wouldn’t say “want”
Yeah, sure, if that’ll get you outta the way
Can you cook?
When Tifa flies!
Chooses: I wouldn’t say “want”
[She jumps up and down in excitement.]
MYSTERIOUS NINJA: All right! I’ll be sure to be a great member of the crew!
Does that mean you’ll get outta my way now?
Uh-huh whatever you say
I’ve heard that before
Chooses: Mmm… corndogs.
[Cloud continues walking down the hallway after she’s disappeared. He suddenly stops and starts patting himself down.]
CLOUD: Where’s my materia!?
[After credits Yuffie sits with two orbs in her hands.]
YUFFIE: Heh, heh. I’ve got his materia.
[She then licks the materia.]
SCREAMING CLOUD LOGO
Thanks for stopping by and read to you all again soon!
~Timothy S Purvis
vvvvvvvvvThe original version of Episode IV vvvvvvvvvvv
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