Star Cloud Episode II Driving Mr. Queasy: Scripted Saturdays

Okay, we’re back for Scripted Saturdays! After a brief interlude to deal with personal issues, I’m now bring you episode II of Star Cloud the original series! I should be able to post more of the old episodes moving forward relatively quickly now. I hope.

Anyhow, this episode introduces us to the turtles’ father, Splinter! Hilarity ensues! Enjoy!

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STAR CLOUD

EPISODE II

“DRIVING MR. QUEASY”

SCENE I: INT BRIDGE MS DOROTHY

[The starship MS Dorothy rocks under assault of the Hostile Muppet Ship Spartacus. The crew seems tense.]

CLOUD: Shoot him! Shoot him!

GAMBIT-SULU: I’m trying, Captain! But he won’t hold still!

CLOUD: What are you talking about!? He’s the big ass ship right in front of us!!

[Cloud gets testy and doesn’t hear the turbo lift door open.]

GAMBIT-SULU: Aye sir!

SPLINTER: [Stumbles beside a stunned Cloud.] What is all the ruckus? Why are we going so fast? Do you think it’s funny that the ship should be spinning?

CLOUD: Jesus-Christ! It’s a giant rat!

LEO: Er… Master Splinter, why don’t you come with me?

[Leo tries to take Splinter by the arm but he shrugs him off and stumbles down the stairs.]

CLOUD: You have a pet rat?

LEO: He’s not a pet, Captain. He’s… my father.

CLOUD: Uh… yeah. I can really… see the resemblance.

SPLINTER: [stumbles near Gambit-Sulu] What are you doing? Just shoot him.

GAMBIT-SULU: Hey, old man! No! Don’t touch that!

[Splinter makes a strange sound and falls forward onto the weapons console.]

LEO: [Dramatically] Master Splinter! Nooooo!

CUT TO

SCENE II: EXT SHIP–SPACE

[Laser blasts shoot out and disable the HMS Spartacus. The backdrop of space has a sign reading THIS IS SPACE YA’LL.]

CUT TO

SCENE III: INT TURBO LIFT

[Leo and Splinter ride the turbo lift. Leo looks down at Splinter who is swaying side to side, eyes half closed.]

LEO: [Sighs] Why didn’t you stay in the room like I told you? I can’t have you doing this again, father. Don’t make me break out the cage.

[Splinter hiccups and keeps swaying. Leo shakes his head and closes his eyes.]

LEO: I swear… you’re… an embarrassment.

[Splinter bends over and regurgitates.]

LEO: Aw! Aw… oh… awwrrr!!

CUT TO

SCENE IV: INT BRIDGE

[On the bridge, panic is ensuing as the crew tries to shoot down something chasing them.]

CLOUD: Leo! We need you on the bridge!

LEO: [Over comm] I’m kind of busy, Captain.

CLOUD: And we’re not!?

LEO: What’s the problem, sir?

CLOUD: We’re being attacked! There’s this thing chasing us!

LEO: Again? Didn’t we just disable the HMS Spartacus?

CLOUD: Yeah, but it shot off, this… thing!

LEO: You’re going to have to be more specific, sir. What’s it look like?

CLOUD: Uh… you know… sorta long… and cylindrical. And it’s gaining!

LEO: I see. Captain, please have April go over to the science station and hit the blue button.

APRIL: The blue button?

LEO: Yes. The blue button. Not the red one.

APRIL: What happens if I take the red one?

LEO: You can be damn sure then that you won’t remember any of this if you do.

APRIL: Oh.

[She wanders over to the science station and sees the blue button beside a screen. On the other side of the screen is the red button.]

APRIL: Let’s see… blue button. Not the red.

[The screen says:

     Push the blue button for Rocket Blocker 3000

     Push the red button for super nova self-destruct

She pushes the blue button after hovering over the red for a moment.]

APRIL: Got it! Deploying Rocket Blocker 3000!

CLOUD: Whew. Wait a minute. That phrase sounds familiar somehow.

CUT TO

SCENE V: EXT SHIP

[A flat transparent disc appears behind the ship and knocks the phallic looking missile away.]

CUT TO

SCENE VI

INT BRIDGE

CREW: Yay!

CLOUD: Leo! You did it!

LEO: Glad I can help, sir.

CUT TO

SCENE VII: INT CORRIDOR

[Leo drags Splinter across the floor by this tail towards their room.]

LEO: Like I don’t have enough to do.

CUT TO

SCENE VIII: INT LOUNGE

[A little while later, the crew are enjoying a little time off in the lounging area. The turtles are talking, and Cloud is sitting with Gambit, Rogue, and April.]

BARTENDER: Hey, Captain, I don’t mean to be a nervous nelly, but, uh, who’s flying the ship?

CLOUD: The ship will fly itself!

BARTENDER: I see. But isn’t that giant asteroid coming awfully close?

CLOUD: Yeah… I…

[Cloud, Gambit, Rogue, and April all stare out the window and see a flaming ball coming ever closer and they shout.]

ALL: Oh, shit!

[They all run Scooby-Doo style out of the lounge.]

MIKE: [Oblivious to what happened.] Dude, I’m tellin’ ya, Master Splinter’s addicted to the sauce.

LEO: Splinter is notaddicted to the sauce! Just because he uses it to relax every so often, does not imply he is abusing it!

MIKE: [Shakes head] Leo, Leo, Leo. Quit enabling our father.

LEO: I am not enabling him!

BARTENDER: Uh, excuse me, commander… a little help here…

[Singing from where Splinter is on bar counter dancer.]

SPLINTER: Hello my baby, hello my darling, hello my ragtime gal… baby my heart’s on fire… if you abuse me, baby you lose me…

LEO: Master Splinter! Get off of there!

CUT TO

SCENE IX: INT CORRIDOR

[Leo drags Splinter by the tail back to his room. He is getting annoyed.]

LEO: Every time I turn around, there you are making an ass outta yourself! [grumbles]

CUT TO

SCENE X: INT ENGINEERING

[A little while later, Leo is speaking with Donnie and some crew on necessary repairs.]

LEO: Basically, we need that flux generator up and running as soon as possible, Donnie.

DON: I’m workin’ as fast as I can, Leo! What do I look like, a miracle worker!?

[A crew member notices Splinter stumbling by. Seconds later an explosion occurs sending Splinter across the room. Leo blinks while Donnie looks startled and goes running after the rat.]

DON: Master Splinter!!

[Leo smacks his forehead. Shakes his head.]

CUT TO

SCENE XI: INT HALL

[Leo says nothing as he grumbles angrily and drags Splinter by his tail back to their quarters.]

CUT TO

SCENE XII: INT HALL–OUTSIDE LEO’S QUARTERS

[Cloud and Leo talk and open up the door to his quarters.]

CLOUD: You know, I’m really starting to feel comfortable being on board! I mean, for a while there, I was really nervous and thought you were going to eat me!

LEO: Eat you?

CLOUD: Yeah. When you said “We kill it” I swear I needed a new set of drawers right then and there!

LEO: Yeah. Again, sorry about that. I’m always being accused of not having a sense of humor. The second I crack a joke, though, people start running down the halls shouting bloody murder.

CLOUD: Heh–heh. Yeah. I might have overreacted just a smidgeon.

LEO: Leaving a gaping hole the shape of your body in our transporter room wall is hardly a smidgeon.

CLOUD: Well excuse meif you have thin walls! You would think a spaceship would be built sturdier!

LEO: Regardless, we really shouldn’t have been using that teleporter room to begin with. We have the new one completely refurbished and in excellent condition. No more random beamings.

CLOUD: Heh-ha! That’s what she said!

LEO: What?

CLOUD: Nothing. …So, uh, you gonna show me that holo-projector?

[Leo stares at him then opens the door.]

CUT TO

SCENE XIII: INT ROOM-LEO’S QUARTERS

[The two walk inside. Our view is facing them as they enter.]

LEO: Anyhow, I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised with…

[They both stare in a stunned manner. View shifts to see Splinter’s ass pointed right at them, his form in a natal position.]

CLOUD: Hmmm, looks like a full moon over the Gold Saucer!

LEO: [Shakes hands] Master!! What did you…? OH NO! You didn’t mistake the lamp for a toilet again!?

CLOUD: It looks like you’re busy… so I’ll catch ya later.

LEO: Wait, captain… Since you ARE the captain and–

CLOUD: I’m only captain because you said I had some sort of responsibility in regards to Bert!

LEO: And you did!

CLOUD: Yeah well guess what, I didn’t sign up for no drunken rats, so he’s your responsibility!

LEO: I just need a little help. And besides, he’s not “drunk.”  At least, not in the traditional sense.

CLOUD: Mikey says he won’t lay off the sauce.

LEO: Right. The sauce.

CLOUD: What is it? Beer? Wine? Saki? Rat poison? [Smiles]

LEO: Try… teriyaki.

CLOUD: Teriyaki!? What!? He’s too wasted for that!

LEO: I swear he’s hooked on the stuff! He has to have it on everything and I can’t get him to stop! Teriyaki chicken, teriyaki beef, teriyaki fish, teriyaki tea. The problem is, he has allergies to teriyaki and it makes him… well… like this.

CLOUD: He really drinks teriyaki in his tea?

[Splinter passes gas. They stand in horror.]

CLOUD: So, what do you want to do with him?

LEO: Help me carry him to bed.

CLOUD: I’d better not step in anything. [Looks at lamp] Ah god!

[Cloud carries arms, Leo gets legs]

CUT TO

SCENE XIV: INT THE BIG ROUND ROOM

[Splinter is guided through the doors into the room. Splinter looks around.]

SPLINTER: What’s going on? You told me you were serving teriyaki turkey?

CLOUD: Yup! And you’re the turkey!

[Cloud pushes Splinter inside the room where April and the turtles await.]

LEO: Master, father, this… is an intervention.

SPLINTER: Intervention? For what? I don’t have a problem!

APRIL: Master Splinter, we’re worried about you.

MIKEY: Yeah, you scarf down teriyaki like it’s pizza! Mmm… teriyaki pizza.

RAPH: You’re next, pizza boy.

SPLINTER: Don’t you four understand? This was on purpose. I could have stopped at any time. I needed you to see the right courses of action, which is why I stumbled upon the comm board to silence the Spartacus and why I allowed myself to be blown back by the dangerously fractured dyro crystal in engineering.

MIKEY: So, what was tap dancing on the bar all about?

SPLINTER: That was just for fun.

LEO: I see. Then why didn’t you just tell us we had a dangerously fractured dyro crystal ready to explode?

SPLINTER: What would you have learned if I’d done that?

LEO: …That we had a dangerously fractured crystal ready to explode.

SPLINTER: …I see your point.

RAPH: Master Splinter, if you keep up this charade and continue wasting yourself on extremely unhealthy levels of teriyaki, you’re going to end up a fried teriyaki rat!

SPLINTER: Mmm fried teriyaki rat…

LEO: Father!

SPLINTER: OH NO! What am I saying!? [sobs] It’s true! It’s true!  I have a problem! I can’t stop myself! I need teriyaki! Teriyaki!! Where is it!? I can smell it!!

LEO: Grab him!

[They all struggle with Splinter who keeps yelling for teriyaki and then sobbing. The phone rings nearby and Raph goes to answer it.]

RAPH: Yeah! Oh… oh really. I see. We’ll be right there. [hangs up.] Does everyone have Splinter under control? [Splinter sobs]

LEO: I think we’ve got it. [Pets Splinter’s head.]

RAPH: Good. Captain Cloud… could you come with me?

CLOUD: Huh? Why?

RAPH: Er… you remember when I told you we beamed Tifa’s body up to the ship?

CLOUD: …Nooo! I don’t recall you EVER mentioning that!

RAPH: Oh. Silly me. Must have slipped my mind. It happened when we were trying to beam Zach and Genghis back. Instead, we got you… and your headless girlfriend.

CLOUD: What!? When did you intend on telling me!?

RAPH: Just did. Look, we reattached her head. But something happened during that whole energy distortion wave anomaly that rocked the ship.

CLOUD: Which was?

RAPH: Come on.

CUT TO

SCENE XV: INT MEDICAL FACILITIES

[Cloud stands beside Raph staring in horror.]

RAPH: As you can see, she’s awake and very much alive.

TIFA’S VOICE: Cloud? Cloud! It is you!

CLOUD: …What…?

[Tifa walks out of the shadows to surprised shocks of murmurs from others in the room.]

CREW 1: Good lord! What’s happened to her head?!

[Shows Tifa standing looking around]

TIFA: What!?

CREW 2: It’s on backwards!!

TIFA: What!? This is horrible! Someone fix me! …why didn’t someone tell me my ass was so big!? [Some chuckles erupt. But Cloud screams.]

FADE OUT

ROLL CREDITS

~Fin

Thanks for stopping by and read to you all again next week! Star Cloud scripts will continue from here until finished! And then I have a few more extras that I found I think you might like. Stay tuned!

~Timothy S Purvis

VVVVVV It’s the original format of Star Cloud Episode Two! Watch it now! Click it to go to my YouTube page! VVVVVVV

In HD:

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