Star Cloud Episode II Driving Mr. Queasy: Scripted Saturdays

Okay, we’re back for Scripted Saturdays! After a brief interlude to deal with personal issues, I’m now bring you episode II of Star Cloud the original series! I should be able to post more of the old episodes moving forward relatively quickly now. I hope.

Anyhow, this episode introduces us to the turtles’ father, Splinter! Hilarity ensues! Enjoy!






[The starship MS Dorothy rocks under assault of the Hostile Muppet Ship Spartacus. The crew seems tense.]

CLOUD: Shoot him! Shoot him!

GAMBIT-SULU: I’m trying, Captain! But he won’t hold still!

CLOUD: What are you talking about!? He’s the big ass ship right in front of us!!

[Cloud gets testy and doesn’t hear the turbo lift door open.]


SPLINTER: [Stumbles beside a stunned Cloud.] What is all the ruckus? Why are we going so fast? Do you think it’s funny that the ship should be spinning?

CLOUD: Jesus-Christ! It’s a giant rat!

LEO: Er… Master Splinter, why don’t you come with me?

[Leo tries to take Splinter by the arm but he shrugs him off and stumbles down the stairs.]

CLOUD: You have a pet rat?

LEO: He’s not a pet, Captain. He’s… my father.

CLOUD: Uh… yeah. I can really… see the resemblance.

SPLINTER: [stumbles near Gambit-Sulu] What are you doing? Just shoot him.

GAMBIT-SULU: Hey, old man! No! Don’t touch that!

[Splinter makes a strange sound and falls forward onto the weapons console.]

LEO: [Dramatically] Master Splinter! Nooooo!



[Laser blasts shoot out and disable the HMS Spartacus. The backdrop of space has a sign reading THIS IS SPACE YA’LL.]



[Leo and Splinter ride the turbo lift. Leo looks down at Splinter who is swaying side to side, eyes half closed.]

LEO: [Sighs] Why didn’t you stay in the room like I told you? I can’t have you doing this again, father. Don’t make me break out the cage.

[Splinter hiccups and keeps swaying. Leo shakes his head and closes his eyes.]

LEO: I swear… you’re… an embarrassment.

[Splinter bends over and regurgitates.]

LEO: Aw! Aw… oh… awwrrr!!



[On the bridge, panic is ensuing as the crew tries to shoot down something chasing them.]

CLOUD: Leo! We need you on the bridge!

LEO: [Over comm] I’m kind of busy, Captain.

CLOUD: And we’re not!?

LEO: What’s the problem, sir?

CLOUD: We’re being attacked! There’s this thing chasing us!

LEO: Again? Didn’t we just disable the HMS Spartacus?

CLOUD: Yeah, but it shot off, this… thing!

LEO: You’re going to have to be more specific, sir. What’s it look like?

CLOUD: Uh… you know… sorta long… and cylindrical. And it’s gaining!

LEO: I see. Captain, please have April go over to the science station and hit the blue button.

APRIL: The blue button?

LEO: Yes. The blue button. Not the red one.

APRIL: What happens if I take the red one?

LEO: You can be damn sure then that you won’t remember any of this if you do.


[She wanders over to the science station and sees the blue button beside a screen. On the other side of the screen is the red button.]

APRIL: Let’s see… blue button. Not the red.

[The screen says:

     Push the blue button for Rocket Blocker 3000

     Push the red button for super nova self-destruct

She pushes the blue button after hovering over the red for a moment.]

APRIL: Got it! Deploying Rocket Blocker 3000!

CLOUD: Whew. Wait a minute. That phrase sounds familiar somehow.



[A flat transparent disc appears behind the ship and knocks the phallic looking missile away.]




CREW: Yay!

CLOUD: Leo! You did it!

LEO: Glad I can help, sir.



[Leo drags Splinter across the floor by this tail towards their room.]

LEO: Like I don’t have enough to do.



[A little while later, the crew are enjoying a little time off in the lounging area. The turtles are talking, and Cloud is sitting with Gambit, Rogue, and April.]

BARTENDER: Hey, Captain, I don’t mean to be a nervous nelly, but, uh, who’s flying the ship?

CLOUD: The ship will fly itself!

BARTENDER: I see. But isn’t that giant asteroid coming awfully close?

CLOUD: Yeah… I…

[Cloud, Gambit, Rogue, and April all stare out the window and see a flaming ball coming ever closer and they shout.]

ALL: Oh, shit!

[They all run Scooby-Doo style out of the lounge.]

MIKE: [Oblivious to what happened.] Dude, I’m tellin’ ya, Master Splinter’s addicted to the sauce.

LEO: Splinter is notaddicted to the sauce! Just because he uses it to relax every so often, does not imply he is abusing it!

MIKE: [Shakes head] Leo, Leo, Leo. Quit enabling our father.

LEO: I am not enabling him!

BARTENDER: Uh, excuse me, commander… a little help here…

[Singing from where Splinter is on bar counter dancer.]

SPLINTER: Hello my baby, hello my darling, hello my ragtime gal… baby my heart’s on fire… if you abuse me, baby you lose me…

LEO: Master Splinter! Get off of there!



[Leo drags Splinter by the tail back to his room. He is getting annoyed.]

LEO: Every time I turn around, there you are making an ass outta yourself! [grumbles]



[A little while later, Leo is speaking with Donnie and some crew on necessary repairs.]

LEO: Basically, we need that flux generator up and running as soon as possible, Donnie.

DON: I’m workin’ as fast as I can, Leo! What do I look like, a miracle worker!?

[A crew member notices Splinter stumbling by. Seconds later an explosion occurs sending Splinter across the room. Leo blinks while Donnie looks startled and goes running after the rat.]

DON: Master Splinter!!

[Leo smacks his forehead. Shakes his head.]



[Leo says nothing as he grumbles angrily and drags Splinter by his tail back to their quarters.]



[Cloud and Leo talk and open up the door to his quarters.]

CLOUD: You know, I’m really starting to feel comfortable being on board! I mean, for a while there, I was really nervous and thought you were going to eat me!

LEO: Eat you?

CLOUD: Yeah. When you said “We kill it” I swear I needed a new set of drawers right then and there!

LEO: Yeah. Again, sorry about that. I’m always being accused of not having a sense of humor. The second I crack a joke, though, people start running down the halls shouting bloody murder.

CLOUD: Heh–heh. Yeah. I might have overreacted just a smidgeon.

LEO: Leaving a gaping hole the shape of your body in our transporter room wall is hardly a smidgeon.

CLOUD: Well excuse meif you have thin walls! You would think a spaceship would be built sturdier!

LEO: Regardless, we really shouldn’t have been using that teleporter room to begin with. We have the new one completely refurbished and in excellent condition. No more random beamings.

CLOUD: Heh-ha! That’s what she said!

LEO: What?

CLOUD: Nothing. …So, uh, you gonna show me that holo-projector?

[Leo stares at him then opens the door.]



[The two walk inside. Our view is facing them as they enter.]

LEO: Anyhow, I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised with…

[They both stare in a stunned manner. View shifts to see Splinter’s ass pointed right at them, his form in a natal position.]

CLOUD: Hmmm, looks like a full moon over the Gold Saucer!

LEO: [Shakes hands] Master!! What did you…? OH NO! You didn’t mistake the lamp for a toilet again!?

CLOUD: It looks like you’re busy… so I’ll catch ya later.

LEO: Wait, captain… Since you ARE the captain and–

CLOUD: I’m only captain because you said I had some sort of responsibility in regards to Bert!

LEO: And you did!

CLOUD: Yeah well guess what, I didn’t sign up for no drunken rats, so he’s your responsibility!

LEO: I just need a little help. And besides, he’s not “drunk.”  At least, not in the traditional sense.

CLOUD: Mikey says he won’t lay off the sauce.

LEO: Right. The sauce.

CLOUD: What is it? Beer? Wine? Saki? Rat poison? [Smiles]

LEO: Try… teriyaki.

CLOUD: Teriyaki!? What!? He’s too wasted for that!

LEO: I swear he’s hooked on the stuff! He has to have it on everything and I can’t get him to stop! Teriyaki chicken, teriyaki beef, teriyaki fish, teriyaki tea. The problem is, he has allergies to teriyaki and it makes him… well… like this.

CLOUD: He really drinks teriyaki in his tea?

[Splinter passes gas. They stand in horror.]

CLOUD: So, what do you want to do with him?

LEO: Help me carry him to bed.

CLOUD: I’d better not step in anything. [Looks at lamp] Ah god!

[Cloud carries arms, Leo gets legs]



[Splinter is guided through the doors into the room. Splinter looks around.]

SPLINTER: What’s going on? You told me you were serving teriyaki turkey?

CLOUD: Yup! And you’re the turkey!

[Cloud pushes Splinter inside the room where April and the turtles await.]

LEO: Master, father, this… is an intervention.

SPLINTER: Intervention? For what? I don’t have a problem!

APRIL: Master Splinter, we’re worried about you.

MIKEY: Yeah, you scarf down teriyaki like it’s pizza! Mmm… teriyaki pizza.

RAPH: You’re next, pizza boy.

SPLINTER: Don’t you four understand? This was on purpose. I could have stopped at any time. I needed you to see the right courses of action, which is why I stumbled upon the comm board to silence the Spartacus and why I allowed myself to be blown back by the dangerously fractured dyro crystal in engineering.

MIKEY: So, what was tap dancing on the bar all about?

SPLINTER: That was just for fun.

LEO: I see. Then why didn’t you just tell us we had a dangerously fractured dyro crystal ready to explode?

SPLINTER: What would you have learned if I’d done that?

LEO: …That we had a dangerously fractured crystal ready to explode.

SPLINTER: …I see your point.

RAPH: Master Splinter, if you keep up this charade and continue wasting yourself on extremely unhealthy levels of teriyaki, you’re going to end up a fried teriyaki rat!

SPLINTER: Mmm fried teriyaki rat…

LEO: Father!

SPLINTER: OH NO! What am I saying!? [sobs] It’s true! It’s true!  I have a problem! I can’t stop myself! I need teriyaki! Teriyaki!! Where is it!? I can smell it!!

LEO: Grab him!

[They all struggle with Splinter who keeps yelling for teriyaki and then sobbing. The phone rings nearby and Raph goes to answer it.]

RAPH: Yeah! Oh… oh really. I see. We’ll be right there. [hangs up.] Does everyone have Splinter under control? [Splinter sobs]

LEO: I think we’ve got it. [Pets Splinter’s head.]

RAPH: Good. Captain Cloud… could you come with me?

CLOUD: Huh? Why?

RAPH: Er… you remember when I told you we beamed Tifa’s body up to the ship?

CLOUD: …Nooo! I don’t recall you EVER mentioning that!

RAPH: Oh. Silly me. Must have slipped my mind. It happened when we were trying to beam Zach and Genghis back. Instead, we got you… and your headless girlfriend.

CLOUD: What!? When did you intend on telling me!?

RAPH: Just did. Look, we reattached her head. But something happened during that whole energy distortion wave anomaly that rocked the ship.

CLOUD: Which was?

RAPH: Come on.



[Cloud stands beside Raph staring in horror.]

RAPH: As you can see, she’s awake and very much alive.

TIFA’S VOICE: Cloud? Cloud! It is you!

CLOUD: …What…?

[Tifa walks out of the shadows to surprised shocks of murmurs from others in the room.]

CREW 1: Good lord! What’s happened to her head?!

[Shows Tifa standing looking around]

TIFA: What!?

CREW 2: It’s on backwards!!

TIFA: What!? This is horrible! Someone fix me! …why didn’t someone tell me my ass was so big!? [Some chuckles erupt. But Cloud screams.]




Thanks for stopping by and read to you all again next week! Star Cloud scripts will continue from here until finished! And then I have a few more extras that I found I think you might like. Stay tuned!

~Timothy S Purvis

VVVVVV It’s the original format of Star Cloud Episode Two! Watch it now! Click it to go to my YouTube page! VVVVVVV

In HD:



I would appreciate if you have Kindle or even if you want some paperback goodies if you’d head on over to my page and maybe show me some love there. I mean, if you’ve been reading a while and see something you like, wouldn’t you like to have it in your personal library? I have some cool short stories available for cheap. Also Tales From A Strange Mind that collects my short stories (there’s also a Kindle edition but, for some reason, Amazon wouldn’t let me link them together) , Tales From A Strange Mind II which collects my old novellas, Red Star Sheriff (Which also has a Kindle edition but Amazon, am I right?) my first novel ever released, though, yes, it does have some grammatical errors and drags on for way too long, sigh. But I still love it and I will be writing a follow up sometime within the next few years. I have a collection of my poems called MisAligned: The Heart Waxes Poetic which collects my old poems but not some of my newer ones included those flash fictions! I’ll probably do that in the future as well. And if you love the perfectly inane, why not check out my Star Cloud scripts presented in book form? Star Cloud The Original Scripts. Another one where Amazon was being difficult with me in connecting the Kindle and PB versions. Still, the paperback they let me sale for cheap and it’s well worth a look if I say so myself. Or, if you don’t want to click on individual links (all of which will take you to my author’s page anyway), just click on my author’s page directly by tapping my name: Timothy S Purvis See for yourself what all I’ve published since I began this venture in 2016.

I mean, if you like my work, of course. No pressure. Just trying to find my way in this world without working menial tasks and suffering physical and mental issues as a result. If only I could merely stay home and write. That would be my most epic fantasy brought to life. Well, if you don’t want to do that, you could also donate to my cause down below after all is said and done. It would help. You know, if you liked what you saw and all. Up to you. I don’t have a lot of reviews on my materials because of low sales. I mean, very, very low sales. In the single digits. Right now, I have to rely on Pubby for reviews and those people only read your synopsis and recap it for a five star review. I want honest opinions. Not mean ones, but honest. So, if you ever find yourself buying some of my work, I’d certainly appreciate some feedback. Again, up to you.

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