Star Cloud Episode One: Scripted Saturdays

Greetings and salutations, faithful followers of this blog! I’m Timothy Scott Purvis and we are once again getting ready to read another offering of Scripted Saturdays! After writing the script for the Golden Cloud, I started working on my new Star Cloud series. I got the first five scripts written of what would become season one but was supposed to be a nine episode arc. The last four episodes became their own season. So, there are two seasons of Star Cloud.

I plan on doing a third season… eventually. I have six scripts written for that nine episode arc and still have to finish it off. I just don’t know when I’ll have the time. For now, though, I’ll post these old scripts as well as a link to the original version of the episode. I also have HD versions available on my YouTube channel that you can find in a playlist on my main page.

Enjoy!

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STAR CLOUD

EPISODE I

“WHEN MUPPETS ATTACK”

SCENE I INT BRIDGE

[A fully articulated CLOUD STRIFE sits in the captain’s chair on the bridge of the starship M.S. DOROTHY.  A voiceover, in the voice of Cloud via a bad Kirk impersonation, informs us of a certain event.]

CLOUD VO

[Captain’s log, experimental.  It has now been 32 standard terran days since my abduction and subsequent promotion to captain…of the M.S. Dorothy.  Note to self…change ship’s name.]

1ST OFFICER LEO

Captain, please refrain from speaking like some substandard actor.

CLOUD

I’m the captain of this ship!  I’ll talk how I damn well want to talk!

CLOUD VO

It’s been nearly a month since that tragic day incapacitated our former captain.  It is a day…we will never forget.

GAMBIT-SULU

That would be because it’s mostly your fault, sir.

CLOUD

Shut it!

CLOUD VO

It’s been some time…but I can still recall the events of that day…

GAMBIT-SULU

He’d better.  It was like only a week ago.

ENSIGN ROGUE

Really.

[Flash back to the bridge a few weeks before.  In the captain’s chair is a figure with his back turned to the screen.  The chair swivels towards us to reveal Captain Bert.]

CAPTAIN BERT

Ensign, status report.

ENSIGN ROGUE

Sir, all sensors are green.

CAPT BERT

What does that mean?

ENSIGN ROGUE

I’m not entirely certain, sir.  It just sounds cool to say.

CAPT BERT

[Moment of silence.]

I see.  Carry on.  Commander, what’s the bearing of…

LIEUTENANT APRIL

Captain!  Incoming transmission!

BERT

Put it on screen.

[On the screen, the image materializes into an old face, ERNIE.]

ERNIE

Hello, Bert.

BERT

Ernie!?  What…how have you been?  I haven’t seen you in ages!

ERNIE

I’ve been good.  In the years since we last met, I’ve acquired my own ship and crew to command.

BERT

Oh, wow.  Good for you.

ERNIE

[Nods]

Yes.  Thank you.  I’ve just come to say hi and to discuss some issues that were left unspoken last time.

BERT

Oh…well.   Okay.  Why…uh..why don’t you come over for …dinner then.  You remember, we used to have dinner all the time back in the old days.

ERNIE

Yeah.  Yeah.  Those were good times.

BERT

Yeah.  Good times.

ERNIE

Good times.

GAMBIT-SULU

[To Rogue]

Do we even want to know?

ENSIGN ROGUE

[Stunned expression. MICHELANGELO and Cloud exit the turbo lift that has just arrived.  Cloud pauses when he sees the screen.]

CLOUD

Who the hell is that and why’s he have a weird nose too?  Is it some sort of muppet thing?

APRIL

Shhh!

CLOUD

Shhhhmmm!

BERT

Anyway.  What do you say?

ERNIE

Sure thing, Bert.

BERT

Good.  I’ll meet you in the transporter room.

[Bert stands and walks towards the turbo lift.]

Cloud, come with me.

CLOUD

Am I in trouble?

BERT

Let’s just go.

[The turbo lift doors close as Mikey looks at Leo who only blinks.]

INT. TURBO LIFT

CLOUD

Sorry about the nose thing, Captain.

BERT

Oh, the nose…Yeah we both have bad noses…Don’t worry about it.  No…really why I invited you along is…well…  I know you haven’t been with us very long, Cloud.  And I feel that I can trust you.  I…I like you…and…

CLOUD

[Inches slowly away.]

BERT

Not like that.  Don’t flatter yourself.  What I’m trying to say is, I trust you enough to let you in on a little secret.

CLOUD

Oh?

BERT

Seeing Ernie today fills me with a certain…dread.  I think…I think he wants revenge.

CLOUD

For what?

BERT

[Turns to his right towards us and wall.]

Something that happened…some time ago.

CLOUD

I see.  So, what do you think he’s going to do?

BERT

Honestly I don’t know.  I just hope he doesn’t sexually assault me with an electric dildo…or something.

CLOUD

Er….

BERT

Look, let’s just keep this between you and me.  Last thing I need is Ernie thinking I’m afraid of him.

CLOUD

Right.

INT. DINING FACILITIES

The crew and Ernie are at the dinner table chatting.  Conversations of irrelevant stuff is occurring.

BERT

It’s really good to see you again, Ernie.

ERNIE

Yeah.  It’s good to see you too, Bert.  Though, I was kind of hoping for a private opportunity.

BERT

Well, I …I like to eat with my crew.

ERNIE

I see.  I wish I could say the same, but my crew is just plain annoying.

BERT

[Laughs heartily.]

Sorry to hear that.  So, tell me what else has been going on with you?  I haven’t seen you in so long.

ERNIE

Indeed.  Well, after we went our separate ways, I found myself wandering the galaxy trying to find somewhere I belong.

[Linkin Park Plays]

BERT

Uh-huh.

ERNIE

Eventually, I found my way into the Intergalactic Peace Corp.  Who themselves in a war with the Not-Much-Let-To-Lose Association. I served with them for a few years until I was unfortunately abducted by a gang of space thugs called the Harlot’s Edge…

BERT

I heard of them.  Gee, that sounds horrible, Ernie.

ERNIE

But it does get better…

BERT

Oh yeah?

ERNIE

You see, they were going to ransom me off to the IPC, however, the corp managed to get wiped out in their war so I was sold off to the highest bidder.

BERT

That was better?

ERNIE

Oh yes.  You see, my new owners were of the Wicky Empire, a ruthless race of blood thirsty warrior muppets.

BERT

Sounds promising.

ERNIE

At first, they were going to use me for entertainment. But then I proved how potent I was in combat by besting their greatest warrior in hand-to-hand.  Impressed, they made me their new leader. And, so, here I am.

BERT

Wow.  That’s that’s really something.

ERNIE

Isn’t there somewhere private we could talk?

BERT

[Looks away and then back]

I’m…I’m sorry, Ernie.  But there’s a lot of work I need to do on the bridge.  But you’re more than welcome to stay as long as you want.

ERNIE

Mmhmm mmhmm.  No I understand.  Actually, I should probably get back to my ship anyhow.

ROGUE

…And that’s not even the funniest thing–

CLOUD

Oh you want to hear funny? Earlier the captain told me that he was afraid Ernie was going to sexually assault him with an electric dildo!

[Silence permeates the room.  Bert stares in horror at Cloud.  Cloud, whose smile is frozen in place, slowly turns to look at Bert and Ernie.]

CLOUD

Oops.

ERNIE

[Slowly turns to Bert]

Is that so…Bert?

BERT

[Nervous laughter]

You know what.  Let’s yeah let’s go talk somewhere private.  Away from my crew member who’s obviously an idiot!

[Bert and Ernie get up and leave the room.  Everyone stares at Cloud in disbelief.]

CLOUD

[Nervous chuckle]

LEO

Smooth.

GAMBIT-SULU VOICE

Douche.

INT BERT’S PRIVATE QUARTERS

[Bert and Ernie are lying in bed cuddling.]

ERNIE

It’s…been a long time, Bert

BERT

Yeah.

ERNIE

But I’m curious, Bert.  Were you really afraid I came here to hurt you?

BERT

[Sighs]

Cloud was out of line there.  He didn’t mean anything by it.

ERNIE

That’s not what I asked, Bert.

BERT

Well, I…

ERNIE

[Stands up and puts on a robe.]

Do you still remember that day, Bert?  That day that left us both…forever scarred?

BERT

…Yeah.

ERNIE

I know I still remember…what you did.

[Flashback to the past]

INT PAST BEDROOM

PAST ERNIE

Let’s try this!

PAST BERT

What is it?

PAST ERNIE

Wonder wall!  It’s supposed to tickle!

PAST BERT

Hmm.  Okay.

[Bert wears a towel as he stands behind Ernie who is hidden under the covers.  Bert inserts a tube under the sheets as Ernie starts smiling.]

So, what is this supposed to do again?

PAST ERNIE

The liquid inside will surge out and swirl to form a fuzzy, foamy brew!  It’s supposed to clean you too! You’re next!

PAST BERT

Okay!  So I just light this fuse here and–

[An explosion rocks the bedroom as fireballs fly out from under the sheets.  Bert and Ernie huddle together in fear when a fiery ball explodes in their faces.]

INT BERT’S PRIVATE QUARTERS PRESENT

ERNIE

Our noses were never the same after that.

BERT

To be honest, we’re lucky that was all that was never the same.  And, what do you mean what I did?  If I remember correctly, that whole debacle was you idea!

ERNIE

Details, Bert.  Details.  Now…now I will have my sweet revenge. 

BERT

What?  Ernie…no!

ERNIE

[Reaches into robe and pulls out an electric dildo.]

This is going to hurt you more than me, Bert.

BERT

Now, Ernie, wait a minute!

[Screams]

INT SHIP–CORRIDOR

Cloud walks down the hall looking deep in thought.

CLOUD (THOUGHTS)

I…I hope the captain is all right.  Hmmm, I had better check in on him.

INT BERT’S PRIVATE QUARTERS

The door slides open revealing the silhouette of Cloud who reaches for the lights. Captain!

[Sees Ernie doing something to Bert under the covers.]

BERT

Cloud!?  What…?

CLOUD

I’ll save you, Captain!

BERT

Cloud!  No!  Wait!  It’s not what you…!

[Screams and fits take place as the lights responding to so much motion start flickering uncontrollably.  Cloud jumps on top of Bert and Ernie and joins the fray.

Suddenly the lights stop flickering and stay on to reveal a rather incriminating scene.  Cloud, Bert, and Ernie stare at the new person in the doorway.

Cloud is holding a cylindrical object which seems to be going into Bert’s rear end, while Bert’s face is near Ernie’s groin.

In the doorway stands April in shock.]

APRIL

Cloud!?  Captain!?  What the hell!?

[Faints.

Lights go dark once more and a series of groans and curses emanates.]

BERT

Noooo!!  Ernie!!

INT INFIRMARY

[Some time later…]

DR. RAPHAEL

Smooth move, ex-lax.  You’ve successfully managed to paralyze the captain from the waist down.  He’ll never walk again!

CLOUD

I was just trying to save him from Ernie! In the background is a bed with Tifa’s head and body on top of it.

DR. RAPH

[Sighs]

You do realize it was just a game, right?

CLOUD

But, Ernie was assaulting the captain with an electric dildo!

DR. RAPH

Cloud, please try to understand that the dildo was a metaphor for their unrequited love.

CLOUD

How the hell was I supposed to know that!?

DR RAPH

Next time, try asking.

CLOUD

Great!  Great!  So then why can’t he speak?

DR. RAPH

Severe trauma.  What you did to Ernie…

[Shivers]

He may never be the same again.

CLOUD

Huh…guess it’s a good thing that those hostile muppets were understanding.

DR RAPH

[Glares at Cloud]

LT CM LEO

Poor captain.

DR RAPH

Guess that makes you the acting captain, then, Leo.

LEO

The hell with that!  Cloud broke the captain, let him take responsibility!

CLOUD

What?

APRIL

Hmm, classic case of you broke it you buy it.

DR RAPH

Whatever.

MIKE

Let’s take a vote.  All in favor?

CREW

Aye!

MIKE

And against?

CLOUD

Nay!?

LEO

Ayes have it.

CLOUD

But…but I’m no captain!

DR RAPH

You should’ve thought of that before you anal raped the captain with an electric dildo.

CLOUD

I was trying to pull it out!

ROGUE

Shhhfff, I’ll tell you what.  He must be stealing lines from your book.

GAMBIT-SULU

Hey…Hey!!

INT BRIDGE

[Some time has passed and the crew is on the bridge.]

CLOUD

Set heading for…uhm…where are we going?

LEO

Captain, we’re on an indefinite mission to boldly go.

CLOUD

Boldly go where?

LEO

That’s it.  Just boldly go.

CLOUD

Uh…okay.  Well, then…boldly go…

[A sonic book rocks the bridge causing the crew to fall to the floor.  Cloud manages to put a hand on the captain’s chair.  He stands up and looks around at everyone’s new form.  A strange light had washed over the bridge.]

That was odd.  So, what was…that?

GAMBIT-SULU

Captain…some sort of distortion wave just pounded the ship.

CLOUD

Wooa.  Groovy.  So…uh…hmmm

[Looks at hand]

GAMBIT-SULU

[Looks at Rogue]

Everytime I look at you you just get uglier and uglier.

ROGUE

[Looks at Gambit maliciously]

Ya’ll want my foot up your ass, don’t you!?

LEO

Captain, I feel…different somehow.

CLOUD

At least you look better.

[Sits down and starts talking into his journal.]

Captain’s log experimental…

LEO

Captain, I believe we’ve already done that bit.

CLOUD

I’m well aware of that, commander.  I was just bringing us up to the present and to full speed.

APRIL

You’re not going to log the strange anomaly that just washed over us, sir?

CLOUD

Eh, some mysteries will just have to reveal themselves.

APRIL

Captain!  Incoming transmission!

CLOUD

[Stands up heroically]

On screen!

[The screen reveals the image of what appears to be a robotic Ernie.]

ROBOT ERNIE

Greetings, sentients.  I am Er2Ni2, formally known as “Ernie.”  I have come to exact my revenge.  Prepare to die.

CLOUD

[Screams]

FADE OUT

ROLL CREDITS

~Fin

Thanks for stopping by and read to you all again next week! Star Cloud scripts will continue from here until finished! And then I have a few more extras that I found I think you might like. Stay tuned!

~Timothy S Purvis

VVVVVV It’s the original format of Star Cloud Episode One! Watch it now! Click it to go to my YouTube page! VVVVVVV

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SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION STARTS!

I would appreciate if you have Kindle or even if you want some paperback goodies if you’d head on over to my page and maybe show me some love there. I mean, if you’ve been reading a while and see something you like, wouldn’t you like to have it in your personal library? I have some cool short stories available for cheap. Also Tales From A Strange Mind that collects my short stories (there’s also a Kindle edition but, for some reason, Amazon wouldn’t let me link them together) , Tales From A Strange Mind II which collects my old novellas, Red Star Sheriff (Which also has a Kindle edition but Amazon, am I right?) my first novel ever released, though, yes, it does have some grammatical errors and drags on for way too long, sigh. But I still love it and I will be writing a follow up sometime within the next few years. I have a collection of my poems called MisAligned: The Heart Waxes Poetic which collects my old poems but not some of my newer ones included those flash fictions! I’ll probably do that in the future as well. And if you love the perfectly inane, why not check out my Star Cloud scripts presented in book form? Star Cloud The Original Scripts. Another one where Amazon was being difficult with me in connecting the Kindle and PB versions. Still, the paperback they let me sale for cheap and it’s well worth a look if I say so myself. Or, if you don’t want to click on individual links (all of which will take you to my author’s page anyway), just click on my author’s page directly by tapping my name: Timothy S Purvis See for yourself what all I’ve published since I began this venture in 2016.

I mean, if you like my work, of course. No pressure. Just trying to find my way in this world without working menial tasks and suffering physical and mental issues as a result. If only I could merely stay home and write. That would be my most epic fantasy brought to life. Well, if you don’t want to do that, you could also donate to my cause down below after all is said and done. It would help. You know, if you liked what you saw and all. Up to you. I don’t have a lot of reviews on my materials because of low sales. I mean, very, very low sales. In the single digits. Right now, I have to rely on Pubby for reviews and those people only read your synopsis and recap it for a five star review. I want honest opinions. Not mean ones, but honest. So, if you ever find yourself buying some of my work, I’d certainly appreciate some feedback. Again, up to you.

End Shameless Self Promotion!

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