Batman Splatter Point: Scripted Saturdays

Hello, Hello, Hello! Welcome back (or to) my blog! I’m Timothy Scott Purvis, in case you don’t know, and I love writing. I post most of my work up on this site and make it available for sale on a few pages on Amazon and Smashwords. Look for those links after this latest script offering.

The purpose of Scripted Saturdays is to showcase some of my script writing abilities. I’ve written scripts ever since attending Wright State University for Motion Picture Production. They kicked me out, in case you never read me say that, because my inspiration for filmmaking was Mel Brookes and I hate Alfred Hitchcock. Yeah, they didn’t like that at all. So, I went my own way. Made animations and posted them to YouTube and kept telling stories on my own.

It really never went anywhere, regrettably. But, eh, I get to do my own thing and not worry about anybody else telling me I can’t do this or that. So, I guess I’m happy enough with where it went overall even if I’m not some big Hollywood director. I was never good at kissing ass regardless.

What we have here, though, to move along, is a script I wrote with the idea of doing a silly Batman spoof with actors from the local theatrical departments. It never got past the scriptwriting phase, but I think it might make for a good stop motion animation some day. I still find it humorous and I hope you do too. So, let’s not dally any further. Witness the insanity of this Batman script and read to you again soon!

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THE BATMAN

~SPLATTER POINT~

INT RESTAURANT

[BRUCE WAYNE sits with his date SELINA KYLE at a table in the middle of the restaurant eating and talking. Around them is a cacophony of noise from other conversations. Bruce is full after his hefty meal and sits looking satisfied.

They finish up and the waiter comes over to them.]

                   WAITER

          And how was everything this evening?

                   BRUCE

          Excellent as always, Jake.

                   JAKE

          I’m pleased to hear it. After such a meal, I hope you don’t have any further plans for the night.

                   BRUCE

          Oh no. We’re going home for the night.

                   JAKE

          Very good, sir.

[The waiter leaves and Selina smiles at Bruce.]

EXT RESTAURANT-CITY STREET

[Bruce and Selina exit the restaurant and Bruce looks up to see a bright signal up in the sky against the clouds.]

                   BRUCE

          The bat signal…

                   SELINA

          What?

                   BRUCE

          Look, I have to call it a night. Something’s come up.

                   SELINA

          Every time that damn signal goes up you think you have to run off and save the day! How about you just be selfish for once?

[Selina goes in to give him a hug and he looks down with hardly a smile. A serious voice is her reply.]

                   BRUCE

          This city depends on me. I have to go but I’ll see you later.

[Bruce turns and runs to a nearby car and jumps in to peel away as a limousine is pulling up. ALFRED looks out at Selina in surprise and Selina leans into the passenger side door.]

                   SELINA

          So, what, he just has spare car waiting wherever he goes?

                   ALFRED

          He never knows when he’ll be needed, Ms. Kyle.

[Selina grunts and opens the car door to the front seat.]

                   SELINA

          What a drag. You got some spare time. Wanna grab a drink?

[Alfred cocks an eyebrow.]

INT BLACK SPACE- THE BAT CAVE

[A montage plays of Bruce gearing up to become the Batman and then leaping towards the camera ready for action, light lit behind him heroically.]

EXT ROOF TOP-ACROSS THE STREET FROM THE MANIC CLOWN CIRCUS SHOP

[Batman sits on a rooftop looking down from the shadows he’s chosen to hide himself in. He begins an inner monologue.]

                   BATMAN

              [Inner Monologue]

          A quick stop to the Gotham City Police Department confirmed my fears; the Joker has once again fled the asylum. Commissioner Gordon informed me that the clown was holding hostages at the MANIC CLOWN CIRCUS SHOP for reasons unknown. Sometimes I wonder if it might just be easier to put the psychopath down permanently. But then I remember this is just letting lunatics like him bring us down to his level.

[Batman sees the Joker inside the shop with several hostages looking maniacal as always. The Joker is holding a detonation device with a Joker face on it.]

                   BATMAN

          Joker, you’re going to pay for- Oh… Oh no!

[Suddenly Batman starts holding his stomach and he has severe gas blow out audibly.]

          Not now of all times! Damnit! Why’d I eat that chili!?

INT MANIC CLOWN CIRCUS SHOP

[The Joker wanders back and forth spouting angry nonsense. He is irate over his image being used without his express permission.]

                   JOKER

          And I hereby direct all vendors to return profits of ten percent… you know what, make that seventy percent, of all merchandise sold in the image of the Joker to the Joker! Hey, I’m a fair man!

[The Joker slaps his rubber chicken on the counter top with a squeak and cackles at the shopkeeper who is quickly writing trying to keep pace with the Joker’s tirade.]

                        SHOPKEEPER

              Yes, Mr. Joker, sir! Whatever you want!

[The man continues writing hastily.]

                        JOKER

              And furthermore, what is with this item here!?

[He grabs a long gun like thin with a Joker face on its tip.]

                        SHOPKEEPER

              It’s a super Joker soaker!

[Joker pulls the trigger and long stream of foam shoots out from the Joker mouth on the end.]

              That someone loaded with hot foam apparently.

                        JOKER

              And what’s my face doin’ on its tip!? What exactly are we teaching our kids these days!?

                        SHOPKEEPER

              Shootin foam at each other is fun?

                        JOKER

                   [Growls menacingly]

              You disgust me.

[Suddenly the door to the shop bursts open and Batman rushes inside and stops and stares at the villain with his facial features reflecting great agitation. The view zooms in on his face.]

                        HARLEYQUINN

              Look, boss, the bats is here just like you said!

[Harleyquinn stands in the corner of the shop holding several hostages at gun point. The hostages looked terrified but are staying quiet.

Meanwhile the Batman is groaning and moaning and looking antsy as he sweats profusely looking like he wants to urgently say something.]

                        SHOPKEEPER

              Thank god!

                        JOKER

              Batman! I knew you’d show up which is why I took the liberty of strapping a Joker bomb to this conveniently placed beam in the middle of the store what will bring this whole image stealing merchantry to the ground!

                        SHOPKEEPER

              Hey! How come you can put your face on a bomb!?

[Batman stomps his feet and grunts trying to say something.]

                        JOKER

              Because as the patent holder of Joker Faced Unlimited I can slap my visage anywhere I like!

                        BATMAN

                   [Gives off a grunt like a roar]

              Excuse me! Bat emergency! Where’s  your restroom!?

                        EVERYONE IN THE STORE

              What?

                        SHOPKEEPER

              Er, it’s back through there.

                        BATMAN

              Thanks! I’ll be back, don’t go anywhere!

[The Batman glares at the Joker as he rushes past him and towards the restrooms.]

                        JOKER

              Uh, hello! Joker bomb here! Where are you going!? Hey! You can’t just ignore me and hit the head!

[Harley shrugs as the Joker scowls and Batman rushes into the back of the store.]

                        HARLEY

              Eh whaddya gonna do?

[The Joker growls and chases after Batman.]

INT MANIC CLOWN CIRCUS SHOP-RESTROOM

[The Batman rushes into the restroom with the Joker close behind.]

                        JOKER

              Oh, this is rich! The Batman needs a potty break!

                        BATMAN

              I don’t want to hear it!

[Batman rushes into a stall, fumbling with the door handle.]

                        JOKER

              What is this, Shitman Begins!?

[The Joker laughs.

The Batman stops as he is pulling the door closed behind him and points at the Joker with his rear end pointed at the toilet and his body bent over at an angle.]

                        BATMAN

              I’ll deal with you when I’m done!

[The Batman closes the door shut and latches it and we hear him fumbling with his pants and buckle and grunting in desperation.]

                        JOKER

              You mean to tell me that just when we need to be fighting, you’ve gotta rush off and drop a load!? You didn’t go before leaving the house today!?

                        BATMAN

              I’m not talking to you! Damnit! Come on, pants! Gotta put in a zipper or something to make em easier to come off!

[We hear the pants come loose and flop down below his ankles and he sits on the seat with a loud flump and a sudden expulsion of gas and liquid sounding squirts.]

              Ahhhhhhhhh!

                        JOKER

              Ew! What a stench!

[Joker walks over to the stall and leans against it as Batman grunts forcibly.]

              You know, you should see a specialist about that.

                        BATMAN

              Go away!

                        JOKER

              Seriously, I used to be a doctor-

                        BATMAN

              No you weren’t! You were a two bit crook! Errgh!

                        JOKER

              And before that I impersonated a two bit colonoscopist who masqueraded as an astronomer and knew all about your anus!

[Laughs maniacally. The Batman grunts loudly and explosive sounds reverberate all throughout the restroom.]

              Wooa! Talk about your toxic waste! Whatsamatta, Batsy, not enough fiber in your diet!?

[Laughs insanely.]

                        BATMAN

              Shut up, Joker! When… I’m done… In here… you’re next!

                        JOKER

              Now now! Calm down! Nothin’ worth makin’ a big stink over!

[Another bout of hysterical laughing.]

              Ew! How ‘bout a courtesy flush in there!?

[The Joker leans against the counter as he hears fighting happening in the next room.]

              Hmm…

[Suddenly Harleyquinn rushes into the restroom.]

                        HARLEY

              Mr. J, the boy wond-…

[She gets a whiff and suddenly looks like she can’t breathe. She holds her breathe and tries to flee back out the restroom.]

                        JOKER

              Oh no you don’t, Harl! We have the Bats cornered on the throne he deserves!

[Harleyquinn grows feint and passes out to the floor. The Joker looks down and shakes his head.]

              Oh way to go, Batcan! You killed Harl with your noxious emanations!

[He pulls out his rubber chicken and starts squeezing it quickly. The door to the restroom bursts open again and Robin rushes in.]

                        ROBIN

              Joker! You won’t get away wi- oh my god!

[Robin holds his hand to his face and hits his back against the wall.]

                        JOKER

              Oh look! The boy wonder has blundered into his master’s fallout!

[Laughs hysterically once more as Robin waves his hand in front of him.]

                        ROBIN

              How… can you… take it!?

                        JOKER

              What? Smells fine to me!

[Joker takes a big whiff and laughs.]

                        BATMAN

              Get him, Robin!

                        ROBIN

              Maybe… uhn… I… do it somewhere else.

[Robin flees the restroom as the Joker laughs some more and the Batman sounds relieved. We hear the sound of Batman hitting the roll of TP.]

                        BATMAN

              What the hell!? Single ply!? All the money this joint makes and they can’t spring for double?!

[The Joker rolls his eyes as the roll inside rolls quickly and for several moments. We hear Batman stand up and make some wiping sounds and then a loud flush and the sound of his pulling his pants up. He unlocks the stall and exits and lets loose an exhalation of relief.

The Joker shakes his head and laughs]

                        JOKER

              Well it’s about time! We need to get this show on the road! This guy has been selling my face without giving ME my due royalties! So I’m blowin him up! Oh, but first! Good lord, Bats! Someone light a match!

[The Joker reaches into his pants and pulls out some matches and gets ready to strike one.]

                        BATMAN

              Nooooooo!

[The Joker lights the match and an explosion rocks the facilities. Smoke wafts out of the restroom.]

INT MANIC CLOWN CIRCUS SHOP REMNANTS

[The Joker and Batman exit the bathroom and cough looking rather haggard after the explosion.]

                        JOKER

              Oh for the love of… it still smells like a sewer! Just what did you have for dinner, batspam!?

[The police come to arrest Joker and an officer tries to walk into the restroom.]

              I wouldn’t if I were you!

[The officer promptly passes out. Gordon walks up looking curious.]

                        BATMAN

              I… uh… wouldn’t go in there for twenty five maybe thirty five minutes.

                        GORDON

              That bad, huh?

[They strap a straight jacket on the Joker and start leading him out of the store.]

                        JOKER

              Don’t blame me! Blame the Batman’s explosive diarrhea!  You all are always talking about how dangerous I am, but the Batman’s the real threat!

[He laughs maniacally as he is guided out to the police car outside. Lights flash and paint the room under alternating colors of blue and red.]

                        ROBIN

              I think it may be time to call it a night.

                        BATMAN

              I agree. I’ll leave this in your capable hands commissioner.

                        GORDON

              Right. Thanks for the help.

[The shopkeeper rushes outside and stands at the doorway yelling at the Joker.]

                        SHOPKEEPER

              Look what you did to my shop, you bastard!

                        JOKER

              Stop selling my image, you crook!

[The Batman and Robin race out of the store and into the night.]

                        GORDON

              I should’ve been a psychiatrist.

[He sighs and looks at his officers trying to pull the unconscious bodies of Harleyquin and the officer out of the blown up restroom.]

~Fin

That’s the end of this week’s offering. Come back next Saturday for another Scripted Saturday tale. I have a few up my sleeve and am looking forward to giving you some more material to chew on! Until then, have a good week and I’ll read to you again later!

~Timothy S Purvis

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SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION STARTS!

I would appreciate if you have Kindle or even if you want some paperback goodies if you’d head on over to my page and maybe show me some love there. I mean, if you’ve been reading a while and see something you like, wouldn’t you like to have it in your personal library? I have some cool short stories available for cheap. Also Tales From A Strange Mind that collects my short stories (there’s also a Kindle edition but, for some reason, Amazon wouldn’t let me link them together) , Tales From A Strange Mind II which collects my old novellas, Red Star Sheriff (Which also has a Kindle edition but Amazon, am I right?) my first novel ever released, though, yes, it does have some grammatical errors and drags on for way too long, sigh. But I still love it and I will be writing a follow up sometime within the next few years. I have a collection of my poems called MisAligned: The Heart Waxes Poetic which collects my old poems but not some of my newer ones included those flash fictions! I’ll probably do that in the future as well. And if you love the perfectly inane, why not check out my Star Cloud scripts presented in book form? Star Cloud The Original Scripts. Another one where Amazon was being difficult with me in connecting the Kindle and PB versions. Still, the paperback they let me sale for cheap and it’s well worth a look if I say so myself. Or, if you don’t want to click on individual links (all of which will take you to my author’s page anyway), just click on my author’s page directly by tapping my name: Timothy S Purvis See for yourself what all I’ve published since I began this venture in 2016.

I mean, if you like my work, of course. No pressure. Just trying to find my way in this world without working menial tasks and suffering physical and mental issues as a result. If only I could merely stay home and write. That would be my most epic fantasy brought to life. Well, if you don’t want to do that, you could also donate to my cause down below after all is said and done. It would help. You know, if you liked what you saw and all. Up to you. I don’t have a lot of reviews on my materials because of low sales. I mean, very, very low sales. In the single digits. Right now, I have to rely on Pubby for reviews and those people only read your synopsis and recap it for a five star review. I want honest opinions. Not mean ones, but honest. So, if you ever find yourself buying some of my work, I’d certainly appreciate some feedback. Again, up to you.

End Shameless Self Promotion!

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