ALL YOU FANS CAN BITE ME! I’M A CHILD OF THE 80’S!!

Jesus…I am SUCH a child of the 80s. I was just watching a video on Youtube that I completely disagreed with. It was ragging on Mass Effect Andromeda for…I don’t know, reasons I guess. And it dawned on me, holy shit, we were so much better off in the 80s. We VALUED what entertainment was. We watched those cheesy monster movies. We savored the stupid and the asinine. We knew that it didn’t have to change the world to get our jollies because we knew what FUN was.

And now? Well, now everyone is up in arms that women are in movies. That black people have a presence in entertainment. That games have glitches. Glitches!? I’ve got your glitches, bitches! Bitches, let me introduce you to the NES. A system where you had to BLOW it to make it work!

Oh I ‘m sorry?? Was there a graphical glitch in your modern game that you could still play even though your character looks like they’re taking a dump everywhere they go?? Let me demonstrate our system, friends! Yes, the NES where you have to blow into its crevice and then shove it into its slot and WIGGLE it until it was willing to play the freakin’ 40 dollar game you just bought!

Oh My God! There’s a WOMAN in your soup!!? Let me introduce you to Metroid, son, where your lead character just turned out to be a woman in a suit of armor! HOLY SHIT! EPIC!

I mean seriously…The Goonies, Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, Super Mario Bros, Metroid, Duck Hunt, HOWARD the Fucking Duck, Monster Squad, Young Frankenstein, Blazing Saddles, SPACEBALLS, Time Bandits, Bad Dudes, Double Dragon, Jaws and all its dumbass sequels, One Crazy Summer, Thundercats, Jem, My Little Pony, Q Bert, and…goddamn the list could go on!

The point is is this (and listen well my little snuggle bunnies), back in the 80s, we knew what entertainment was. We didn’t sit there and try to offend one another and deride each other because we thought Transformers was a serious form of storytelling (IT’S NOT! STOP BASHING MICHAEL BAY FOR MAKING A FUCKING SERIES OF MOVIES ABOUT OVERSIZED ROBOTS BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER! THIS IS NOT SHAKESPEARE, OR MARK TWAIN, OR ISAAC ASSIMOV! THIS IS A SERIES OF MOVIES ABOUT GIANT ROBOTS BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER! THAT’S WHAT MICHAEL BAY WAS MADE FOR! SO IF I HEAR ANOTHER PERSON SAYING HOW SHITTY A TRANSFORMERS MOVIE WAS, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT BECAUSE IT’S A BUNCH OF ROBOTS BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT THE FREAKIN’ CARTOON WAAAASSSSS!!!! 80S MOTHUFUCKA!! DEAL WITH IT!) No what we did was go ‘Holy shit! Did you see that thing and how AWESOME it was!?’ And we would reply, ‘OMG! Right!? That was totally EPIC!’ Because unlike this current generation we grew up appreciating entertainment for what it was. Entertainment. We didn’t try to attribute any sort of special meaning to it, we were just glad that it was coherent HALF of the time.

For Christ’s sake! One of our Heroes in the 80s was a man wearing nothing more than a loin clothe smacking around a cackling skeleton with vaguely homo erotic undertones with supporting characters so obtuse you’d swear you were watching a porno these days! (He Man Mother Fuckers! Deal with it!)

And yet, you take your entertainment so seriously you can no longer suspend your disbelief? Luke Skywalker wouldn’t act that way? Deadpool isn’t being serious enough? SJWs are taking over our entertainment? I mean, can we stop. Just..just stop. This is bullshit. I’m calling BULLSHIT! SHENANIGANS! IT’S ALL SHENANIGANS!!! Because this is stupid. I go to movies to be entertained. When I’m entertained, I smile. You know what I do when I am NOT entertained? Not do it again and find something else. I keep hearing this phrase over and over again: liberal snowflakes or sometimes just snowflakes. You want to know what us guys from the 80s would tell ya? It takes one to know one.

You don’t like something, that’s fine. But STOP trying to ruin it for others you, you, you SNOWFLAKES! Because you don’t really know what it means to be entertained. You’re soooooo obsessed with what is ‘TRUE’ to the original story, you’ve forgotten how to just lean back and enjoy the ride.

I mean MY generation sat back and LOVED Top Gun! Do you know what happened in it? Nothing. It was just great character development with a half assed action scene at the end. But we LOVED it. Why? Because it ENTERTAINED us!!! Why can’t you be entertained anymore?!?! What are you looking for!??

Ugh. I’m tired. You people make my face tired. Sometime in the next few days I should rent the Transformers Last Knight movie. Just so I can see massive robots kicking the shit out of each other. Because that’s entertainment you rejects!!!

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